Oh Brother

E is becoming a big brother AS WE SPEAK.

Ex called around 4:30 this morning to let me know they were heading to the hospital and he would be dropping E off at the house. I was actually the most convenient drop off point for them, because our house is within spitting distance of the hospital that Sasha is delivering at. When Ex told me this a few weeks back, it seemed like the most logical solution to "What to do with E should she go into labor in the middle of the night while E is at their house."

Mind you, I never actually expected all of those variables to fall into place. But low and behold my phone started chiming it's annoying belly dance ring tone at an hour when only shift workers and pedophiles are still awake.

I have to say...it's weird that Ex is becoming a dad again. Not sad weird, not mad weird, not good weird, or even bad weird. Just the kind of weird that words don't really cover.

So anyway, I'm guessing that all of the potty training progress that we've been making with E lately might regress. Oh well...that's life...and apparently there's more of that going around today. Congrats to Ex and Sasha on the arrival of C.J.

And congrats to the little boy that has my heart...you're officially on duty Big Brother! I have a feeling that you'll kick the asses of big brothers that have gone before you....you're just that kind of special.

Before and After

My garage is still full of Goodwill finds....more to come!

Just Add Water

A few months back I took E to the zoo in Cincinnati. While I had a great trip, and E enjoyed seeing all of the animals, I couldn't help but wander around the zoo and be a little sad. All around me, couples were holding hands and pushing strollers...enjoying family time. I was, in a word, bummed. My whole life, I dreamed of family outings like this. Never once in that dream was I pushing the stroller alone. And never once, since I had given birth to my precious son, had I enjoyed a family outing like this. In the midst of my bummed mood, I stopped the stroller in front of a handful of baby cheetahs, watched my son ooh and aah, and turned my eyes toward God with a silent prayer that one day I would get to have the family life that I had always wanted.

Then, THE VERY NEXT WEEK, Old School turned back up in my life....and you know the rest of the story.

This past weekend was our longer weekend with E. He's been to the zoo a handful of times, and without fail, talks about it for weeks afterwards. When we realized how cool the weather was and that we had the whole day to ourselves with no projects that had to be done, we loaded up in the car, filled up on a country fried breakfast, (got a speeding ticket on the way), and headed out to enjoy the day together. E was so excited that on the way out of the restaurant he waved goodbye to the waiter and hollered across the dining room "We're going to the zoo to see the ANIMALS!"

Like true losers, we forgot the camera. Thank God for camera phones! The pictures aren't that great...but the memories are.

A few months ago, as I walked around the zoo feeling kind of sorry for myself, I had no idea that God was preparing for me an instant family.

Just add water.

Dear Lord,

Thanks for listening.

Dear Fear, Worry, and What If...

Part of last week, leading into this week, was emotionally heavy. I mainly blame it on PMS...but credit is also due to three little friends of mine.....

Dear Fear, Worry, and What If:

You suck. In fact, not only do you suck....you suck turkey turds. And in case you weren't aware...that's gross. Please desist immediately, so that I may swiftly return to a state of cheerfulness so annoying that people walking by me on the street would swear up and down that I shit sunshine.

Sincerely,

Me.

Here's the deal. As much as I would love to pretend that people close to me frolicked and did back flips when I announced my engagement, the opposite is true. My parents were congratulatory only through clinched teeth...and the FAS sent me a text stating, and I quote, "I want to be happy for you, but I won't disrespect you by faking it."

And although my precious family members are simply fearful of having to scrape pieces of my heart off of the concrete again, it hurt me that they couldn't simply see how happy I am and rejoice with me. They have since loosened up to the point of agreeing to come to the wedding with pinky swears that they won't lay down in the aisle and throw screaming hissy fits. If any of you reading happen to be either the FAS or one of my loving parental units, you have my deepest thanks.

I know that this engagement has happened quickly. OS and I talk about it all the time. But the truth is, that we've been talking about marriage since about day 3 of our courtship, and I firmly believe that when you know, you just bloody well know. Period.

BUT...everyone's concerns coupled with PMS and a couple of emotionally heavy conversations led me to an alarming encounter with my friends fear, worry, and what if. And for about 3 days last week I spent way too much time with each of them...intimately letting them molest my spirit until I lost sight of the reason that I KNEW THAT I KNEW in the first place, and leaving me with nothing but panic and despair. Could I really get married again? What if he turns into something resembling my first husband? What if this marriage, like the first one, is a complete disappointment? What if I wake up one day and find myself stuck with someone that refuses to meet me halfway? What if things aren't perfect and instead are horribly miserable? What if, what if what if?

So I talked to the only One that would understand. I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And pretty quickly, right there on the front steps of my home, God met me where I was at and spoke truth to me like He always does. His message was brief, but crystal clear. "Perfection is a process." And then, as quickly as the voice breezed by, it was gone and I was left with something other than fear, worry, and what if. I was left, once again, with complete peace.

I've learned something since Sara Getting Married, volume 1. I've learned that it's not what's said on the wedding day that matters. It's what is said during the fight, during the making up, during the laughter, during the tears, during the love....that will make this marriage work. So that night, OS and I curled up on the couch and laid our fears out on the newly painted coffee table. They were plentiful, but not powerful. And as our conversation progressed, tears flowed. Tears of fear, worry, and what if...tears that had been waiting to creep out for days....tears that needed to be cried...and caught by his hand.

OS can marry me....but he has no way of knowing what the future holds. When I asked him to promise me happiness, he said he couldn't. When I asked him to promise me forever, he said he'd like to. When I asked him to promise that tomorrow wouldn't hurt, he only said he hoped it wouldn't. But when I asked him to promise that he loved me, he wiped away fear, worry, and what if when he looked me in the eye and said, "I do."

The only guarantee with love is that the feelings that come with it will make you laugh harder, hurt deeper, miss more, desire unceasingly, and live memorably. So the second time around, I'm casting fear, worry, and what if into the wasteland, and hanging on to the One who CAN make me a promise...a promise that perfection is a process.

Dear Fear, Worry, And What If:

I'm marrying my best friend. He will probably hurt me at some point. He will likely disappoint me at some point. He may even break my heart at some point. But that remains to be seen. Today, we laugh together.....cry together....and love together.

The three of you have NOTHING on that.

Dear Old School,

Tomorrow's looking good too. ; )

What's In a Name?

***I have to preface this blog with the following:***

I was at the gas station yesterday, blogging in my head...this blog to be exact. And I got so into the head blogging that I got back into my car, turned the key in the ignition, and drove off...with the gas pump still firmly attached to my vehicle.

I blame Blogger.

So anyway...What's In A Name?

The wedding date has been set. The exciting (smallish...I think) event is going to be held on October 10th on OS's grandfather's farm. That's exactly 3 months and 5 days to do a whole lot of (in Old School's EXACT words) "wedding shit." He expressed this particular opinion of the planning while riding in the car back from the gym one night, when I politely turned toward my adorable fiance and asked him to please refrain from referring our nuptial event as "wedding shit." He obliged. He now calls it "wedding poop." See....compromise already.

Anyway, while I'm trying not to stress out about the big day and I'm moving very quickly on the planning, I do have to admit that this day can't really come quickly enough. Not only will I be marrying my best friend who I laugh with even in the midst of scolding him for saying snarky comments about the amount of wedding planning taking place, but I get to shed something that I have wanted to shed so badly since April of 2008 that I can't even begin to put it into words.

I get a new last name.

Several people have been curious why I didn't take my maiden name back when I got divorced, but it never really occurred to me to do so. I had a child with that last name, and I had high hopes that one day I would remarry and get a brand spankin' new last name. But I have to admit that on more than one occasion I have regretted keeping ex's name and thought about just randomly picking my maiden name back up.

Maybe it's because Ex's last name is kind of different, and every time I say it to someone on the phone the following conversation takes place:

Me: Hi, my name is Sara L*******. That's L-E-F as in Frank, so on and so forth.

and the person on the other end of the phone ALWAYS...did I capitalize ALWAYS? Because they ALWAYS say:

Person on the other end of the phone : L-E-S.....

Me: No, L-E-F as in Frank....

Person on the other end of the phone: So it's not L-E-S?

Me: L-E-F as in Frank...FRANK....or Frustrated.

And after 5 years it has gotten old. I miss the days when saying my last name wasn't followed by a brief, make me want to slit my wrists spelling bee.

Or maybe it's the fact that taking on Ex's last name brought a lot of emotion into my life that wasn't always positive. Pretty much everything associated with that last name, with the exception of E...the one good thing that happened during that union....brings up feelings of disappointment and regret. And while I've done my part to work through the emotions....I'd like to get rid of the name.

So for more reasons than just the obvious marrying my best friend, love of my life, finally got it right stuff....I can't wait for 3 months and 5 days to get here. Because on October 10th, 2009 I will become Sara H***. Short, sweet, and only one way to spell it. So not only do I get a fresh start with someone that God began knitting me to 20 years ago....not only do we laugh a lot...not only can I be myself and do the kind of head in the clouds stuff like drive off with a gas pump still in my vehicle and him still love me....not only is life full of endless possibilities with my teammate firmly planted beside me....but I get a new name....a clean slate.

Trust me when I say that love has never felt so

G-O-O-D.

Another Table Transformation

This is a table that I found at Goodwill for $7! I loved the shape of it and it was in good condition structurally, so I pounced. It has been sitting in my garage for about a week now, and since I started my part time schedule I threw some paint on it this week and it's now up for grabs on craigslist!

I think I managed to impress OS again. In the middle of a very serious marriage conversation while I was glazing away on this thing he stopped mid sentence and said, "Wow, Baby....you can paint some tables!"

I may have blushed a little bit. : )