Thursday, May 6, 2010

Liar, Liar

I am getting divorced.....again. In case anyone is keeping track, that's TWICE before I hit 30.

How do I get myself into these situations???
Years ago, before I began testing the true boundaries of social acceptance and the patience of my family and friends, I was a good kid. I hardly ever acted out. I rarely threw fits. And with the exception of that time in the second grade when I lied to my mom for a week straight about something that can only be described as S-T-O-O-P-I-D, I never really lied. The sing song mantra "Liar, Liar, pants on fire" was never really aimed at me.
And then I entered my twenties, and began lying to the worst possible person, myself. I told myself I had it all together. I told myself I was ready. I told myself I knew what I was doing. I told myself I was, ahem, stable. And now I think it's safe for the powers that be (along with my parents and the FAS) to all point their fingers and join in the chorus of....
Because everything I once thought to be true about myself has recently been aired out as dirty laundry on the clothesline. My issues and my drama are once again a public spectacle, gossip fodder for facebook if you will. I have turned myself into a one woman "did you hear" water cooler conversation.
But truth be told, I'm ok with that.
Because I know things now. Granted, I know things that other people could probably grasp without having to actually experience it, but I've never been one for the easy route. So in honor of the new life that I'm (again) building for me and's what I know for sure:
He deserves to be able to be 3 without the fear, consequences, and general wrath of someone who thinks that being 3 just isn't really good enough. So I know now, that in my home, and in the homes of all of the many that love him...He can be 3 in peace.
I deserve to be valued by anyone who enters my home. I have the right to hold onto my beliefs and the core of who I am without the criticism of someone who won't accept the core of who THEY are. My value and worth will not be compromised. Ever. Again.
Never again will I hear these words, and believe them without loving action. I believed them easily the first time I fell in love, and found myself picking up the pieces of a broken family. Because actions speak louder than words. And I believed them easily the second time I fell in love, and found myself fleeing my own home in the night out of sheer terror of staying put. Because actions speak louder than words. So to the next guy, I appreciate the prove it. Because actions speak louder than words.
I wanted life to be a certain way, and when it wasn't, I forced the hand of the universe. To any of you out there who are contemplating doing this, IT DOESN'T EVER END WELL. I told myself that I could make it right, fix it, take it back, work hard enough, love strong enough, be good enough, fight long enough to overcome the bad stuff. And I told myself that I would be ok in the process. I LIED TO MYSELF. I'M DONE NOW. I can't make it right. I can't fix it. I can't take it back. I can't work hard enough or love strong enough, or be good enough or fight long enough to overcome the bad stuff. If the bad stuff is there, I will no longer know deep down that it is bad stuff, while I turn a blind eye and call it good. I am done now.
There's a fairly long list of people in line to say "I told you so." They have every right. They knew I was lying to myself long before I did. So I can't blame them for pointing fingers...for being annoyed with the sheer determination I seem to have to see how many things I can possibly screw up and then blame it on "I was in my twenties." I really can't blame them for saying, "I told you so." But I JUST MUST BE LOVED. Because they haven't said it. (to me.) Instead they have said things like, "I'm here for you. I'm glad you're safe. I am proud of you for getting out. I believe in you. You deserve so much more. I understand. I LOVE YOU." So to Mom, Dad, Stace, Amy, Jenny, Kat, Lisa, Jennifer, Brandon, Steven, Jonathan, and Beth....Thanks. I love you too.
Dear God, I prayed for your voice. I HEARD your voice. And then I ignored your voice. Umm....sorry 'bout that. Any chance you might want to make something good out of this??? I thought you might. Knew I could count on you. And, for the record, I'm listening.
There's a pretty hefty possibility that even though I have a healthy grip on reality today, that tomorrow my fingers might slip. If history is any indication, I may let go altogether. (But I'm REALLY committed to not letting that happen, Dad! So tell the vein in your forehead to retreat.) I'm just saying, that even though I am on a better path today than I have been in a long time, I still lack the navigational skills to meander through this journey without messing up. So again, I am thankful that I intimately know THE ONE who shows up when I ask, with a REALLY GREAT MAP. And I'm thankful that He stockpiles Grace....because anyone who calls me His child....let's just be honest....He's gonna need it.
And to anyone else who may still be reading this, point fingers if you must.....
but I am moving on.


Lora said...

i'm proud of you
and we have lots to chat about on that walk!

Anonymous said...

We do love you. You are a strong woman, and even stronger for walking away. I am praying for you, and you know I am here if you need me.

Jennifer G

Anonymous said...

Sara, you are strong and brave and have done a great job explaining where you are (not that you owe that to anyone--I just mean that I can clearly read your heart here). We all make BIG mistakes, every one of us. We would all make decisions differently if we knew how it would all turn out in the end. Life never quite turns out like we expect, so rolling with the punches is a learned skill. I'm definitely working on that one myself.

HappyascanB said...

I'm so very sorry you're having to go through such a rough, heartwrenching time.

You know plenty of things to be true, all of which will get you through this. I'm praying God will cover you and E with His love and peace that truly passes all understanding.

amberlee said...

I'm proud of you too, Sara. That's the first thing I told B. Just want you to know.

Praying for you.
xoxo--- I'm sure you could use 'em.

Beth said...

I'm wishing you would put your support people list in alphabetical order so that I don't look the least supportive....why am I last? (jk)