Friday, April 1, 2011

A Tale of Two Women

For a while, God and I weren't on speaking terms as much as we just generally passed each other in the hallway and tried to avoid eye contact. Well...ok...that was just me. But you get the point. However, in the last 6 weeks or so, He's been loving on my spirit, and I've slowly been allowing it to happen, begrudgingly at first and then, lately, with abandon. But there's a price to pay for allowing God's mercies to seep back into your soul, and that price is, in my world, known as "self-awareness." And while it's ALWAYS a good thing in the end, sometimes it feels a bit like wiping your ass with damp toilet paper. Icky.
Two and a half years ago I started this blog and named it Grace Gets Greater, because at that particular moment in my life, I was surviving on absolutely nothing but the Grace of God. I had just come off a very painful divorce from Ex, and found myself each day trying to find the old pieces of my life that were scattered around and working with exhausting ferociousness to connect them to the new pieces. It didn't always work out so well...Lord, help me...but today, there's a pretty calm peace settled over me, and life is good. However...
There's been one pretty big piece from my old life that's been looming in my new life, and it doesn't fit, it doesn't feel good, and I'm tired of pretending that it's not there. I've been struggling with it for two years, and my renewed connection with God has brought this to the forefront so that I can no longer pretend it doesn't bother me. During the mess of my divorce a few years ago, someone involved in that process caused a great deal of pain and hurt in my life. Their presence in my life has continued on a limited, but unavoidable, basis, and it's become increasingly obvious to me over the last few months, that my peace and sanity, and perhaps more importantly, the peace and sanity of my son, depend on righting this wronged relationship.
I can't adequately express in a blog just HOW TALL AN ORDER THIS IS.
You see, for the last couple of years my pain has found a tiny bit of solice in the arms of karma. She's fast, loose, dependable...and known for being quite a bitch. I've kind of been counting on her. When all else fails, Karma will sweep in and right the wrongs...set the record straight...and shine light into the dark corners. In several moments of shattered weakness, she has been my only strength. And again...I HAVE BEEN COUNTING ON HER.
But in the past couple of weeks, God reintroduced me to my long lost friend...someone that had drifted from my memory like a facebook friend from grade school. Grace showed up again with her bag of tricks that, at first glance, seem benign. But as she opens the bag, they come tumbling out, an unending array of novelties, like Mary Poppins and her carpet bag of surprises. They were all there...kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, compassion, and the one that she carries so well, forgiveness.
I realized recently that while both of these women have obvious appeal, this heart isn't big enough for both of them. I've been best friends with Karma for a good long while now, only to learn that she is harsh, bitter, and selfish. And my, oh my, how I have missed Grace. The truth is that we all screw up...we all, for moments at a time, turn into people that we don't recognize...we all should have done it differently...and we all have it coming. Karma used to tell me that vengeance was my right. Grace tells me that forgiveness is my privilege.
Grace is my steadfast truth. Karma is...has always been... the other woman.

1 comment:

Lora said...

so many truths in one little post. girl, you speak Truth so well.