Parenting 101

Whoever said "It takes a village to raise a child" must have been talking about my family.

On any given week, my son spends time at 4 different homes with 4 different sets of people that love him...and 4 very different sets of rules and expectations. These rules vary from the extremes of "Eat what is cooked for dinner and when I say no, I mean no," to "King E is here...roll out the red carpet and lets all sniff his bottom...it smells like roses!" (Ok...maybe that last part was a bit much...but it's not unfair to say that often times, he rules the roost.)

As E gets older, this is a more difficult set up to not get frustrated with. It's hard enough that he gets shuffled back and forth between Mommy's house and Daddy's house. For the most part, Ex and I have done a good job at staying on the same page. But I have a lot of guilt...questions...worry...and what ifs over all the stuff that E's life will be sprinkled with as a result of our situation. And as he gets older and does more and understands more, differences in parenting are becoming more common.

I think any mom who is half a mother sometimes travels through the valley of the shadow of "Hi, my name is Mom, and I have failed my child." I think it's probably just part of the package...like stretch marks or the inability to hold all of your urine when you sneeze. It's just par for the course. But add divorce to that equation (or any situation that compromises your ability to be there for your child 100% of the time for that matter) and the sickness gets so much worse.

Obviously I'm struggling at the moment. "Hi, I'm the Village Idiot, and I have failed my child."

Everyone: Hi Village Idiot!

I feel like nothing I do is good enough...and lately it seems that everyone in this little village has a strong opinion about that. Maybe they've had these opinions all along...but blame it on the full moon...this week they are sharing.

"You're too easy on him."

"You're too hard on him."
"You correct him too much."

"You let him get away with too much."

"You don't have enough fun with him."

"He needs to know you love him."

"He needs you to be more firm."

Apparently I didn't get the memo...but it seems like everyone else was notified of all of the answers, and I know none of them. What I do know...what I happen to know for sure...is that I love my son with every breath I take. I have visions of a perfect life for him that he will never have, and hopes that upon his realization that life isn't perfect that he will respect me for being a source of love and consistency in his life. My desire is that when he is 28 and leading a life of his own that he will look back and associate me with plenty of "I love you's" and "she was always there for me's." Dear God, please and thank you.

I guess no mother ever feels like she's doing it exactly right. There's probably always going to be "I wish I had..." and "It would have been better if..." and a lot of "In hindsight..." And in my situation there will probably always be the rest of the village with an opinion of what I'm doing wrong and hopefully sometimes what I'm doing right. So in that case.....

Dear Lord, If it's not too much trouble, could you please speak up? It's noisy around here. Amen.

And now, if you will excuse me, nap time is over and this particular Village Idiot promised someone a play doh date. I may not have a clue about how to raise a child...

but I make a damn fine play doh pancake.

Discipline

There have been a lot of changes in my home lately, and discipline seems to be a major point of discussion. E is rapidly changing lanes from "toddler" to "kid," and the change feels like it has hit me without warning....little booger didn't even throw on a blinker or anything before he went and morphed into a big boy! It seems every week I send a certain baby boy back to his daddy's house for a few days, and without fail I get back someone who is bigger, taller, more smart-mouthed, filled with childisms, and for reasons unbeknownst to me, has smellier feet. True story.

Lately, I've noticed a lot of changes in the way E responds to discipline. I think a lot of this is due to OS's presence in E's life. OS is a former marine. Need I say more? (Like I'd stop here...)

OS is one of the first people to offer a consistent presence in E's life who doesn't talk to him like he's still a baby. E gets pretty much whatever he wants whenever he wants it...and while Ex and I have done a pretty good job at not raising a rotten brat, we have both (I think...I guess I can only speak for myself) fallen into the trap of "not wanting to a be a mean parent" and probably let him get by with more "little stuff" than we should have. Now that E is older, he's ready for some more structure. OS is offering that in fairly healthy measure. He doesn't look at E and see a baby. He looks at E and sees a smart kid who, and I quote, "if he can sit there and count to 200 then he's old enough to answer me about why he's in time out." Good point, dear. Good point.

Since I've come to the realization that E is old enough to understand and benefit from more strict discipline, I've been enforcing the "little stuff" more...kind of as a "for shits and giggles" kind of experiment and, in turn, have been getting a pretty interesting response from my kid. For example...the other day we were winding down for the evening and we were approaching E's bedtime. He was still pretty wired, so I handed him a book, we all curled up in the "tv room" and I told E there was no talking. He could look at his book, or play with a toy, but NO TALKING. E is a M-O-T-O-R-M-O-U-T-H...so I figured this would last all of two seconds. Within the first minute he began chattering. I quickly told him to go to time out because he hadn't listened to my instructions (something I would have overlooked before this.) He sat quietly in time out for about two minutes until I called him to come back into the tv room with us.

ME: "Why did you have to go to timeout?"

E: "I talked and you said no talking."

ME: "When I tell you to do something you have to listen. We are going to sit here and read without talking. Ok?"

E: "Yes ma'am."

And then what do you think happened? My two year old sat with me on the couch for 30 minutes with a Dr. Seuss book...and didn't utter another word! He pointed at pictures....looked at me to get me to notice the book...cuddled....and MINDED! I was utterly floored.

Maybe the United States Marine Corps is onto something with this discipline mumbo jumbo. Heck...for 30 minutes of peace and quiet and my smelly footed little boy cuddled up on the couch with me...I say Semper Fi baby!

Wedded Bliss

Well...I'm married!


I haven't blogged in forever, because this thing called life kept getting all in the way and everything. However, things seem to be settling down to a new version of normal...and I'm absolutely loving it!


The weeks leading up to the wedding were pretty emotional. There was a lot going on in my head, and I think it's fair to say OS's head was pretty swamped with "Oh my God!" also. While we weren't the best versions of ourselves every moment during this time, I think it's pretty accurate to say we did some of our best talking and listening, and the result was a bride and groom who stood up on their wedding day and said their vows with complete and total peace.


I will post pictures of the wedding day as soon as I get them back from our photographer, but I couldn't wait to go ahead and write about how perfect the day was! It was everything we wanted it to be and absolutely nothing that we didn't.


We were married on a hillside at the back of his grandfather's farm. The weather was absolutely perfect for an outdoor wedding! The two most amazing girls ever met me at the farm at 10 that morning to do some last minute reception organizing and errand running, then we grabbed lunch at Chili's and headed to get our hair and make up done. With curls in place we headed back to the farm.


At this point E came bounding in with a dinosaur in one hand and a sandwich, courtesy of Mimi, in the other. With crumbs on his face we began draping him in his wedding outfit...he was about as adorable as you can possibly get...and I threw on my wedding dress. Then, my girls went to work again!

"We can see your underwear. Try these..." Ok. Check.

"Do you have your flowers?" NO? "Ok...we're going to find them."

"Here's your garter...(Marines camo garter as a surprise for OS.)...leg up and I'll put it on you."

"Something old, new, borrowed, blue?" Check.



Then, the photographer grabbed OS and sequestered him in the sun room so he could get his first look at his bride. I walked in, pictures snapping away, and he teared up. (Let's all assume it was joy and not overwhelming, mind numbing fear. Let's just assume.)


After that, we all headed out to the yard for family pictures...the only part during all of this wedded bliss that Bridezilla even remotely reared her ugly head! Kudos to me. Then, it was time to caravan up to the top of the hill. We bumped over the lake road, rounded a few corners, climbed the grassy hillside...and there it was. The clearing, overlooking rolling hills and tree lined valleys, was warm and inviting, a hint of shade and several well placed pockets of sunshine.


We organized ourselves, spoke with the preacher, and laughed as E gathered up wild turkey feathers, each time hollering "I FOUND A FEATHER!"


Within minutes we heard the rumble of cars climbing the hill, and we knew our guests were on their way...just on the far side of wedded bliss. They began piling out of their cars and making their way to the edge of the hill where we were standing. We milled around with our guests, greeting each of them and introducing them to each other. There were hugs and handshakes, and a lot of "Wow, this is gorgeous!" Which it was! The preacher gathered us together, and I stood across from OS who teared up as soon as the ceremony started. We listened as my father spoke about the blessings of marriage, and then we each shared a personal message to the other one. OS's message blew me away! He had been extremely stressed, because he wanted the vows to be perfect. I guess he felt like they weren't quite right, but OH MY GOD, they were IMPECCABLE! He had all of our guests tearing up, and by the time he was finished telling me exactly how and exactly why he loves me, there was a trail of snot running down my face and my Kleenex was rendered powerless.

We exchanged rings and made promises, and before I knew it, we were husband and wife! Our guests made their way back down the hill to the house for the reception, and OS and I lagged behind for some scenic photos. We joined our guests, shoved cake in each other's faces, tossed the marines garter, and then made our getaway in a Shelby 500 Mustang GT, imprinted in shoe polish with the words "Honk for Sex," courtesy of my new father in law!

It was the best day.

The past couple of years have been quite a journey, and I'm so thankful for that time of growth. I'm looking forward to the rest of the walk, now with my new partner. I am married to a man that I honestly believe loves me from the depths of his toes. He's experienced his own measure of growth over the past 2 years, and he continues to welcome transformation in his life as God works on him. I appreciate his dedication to a better life, and I accept him exactly as he is...along with all of the wonderful, terrible, funny, icky, and crazy things that come with it. He was my best friend when we were 7, and he's my best friend today. I'm blessed to have found him again, and I am so excited to walk this journey with him....perfectly imperfect, and perfectly in love.

I am, in a word, happy.

You're Invited...

Hello Stress...

Let me just start out by saying that rarely do things in my life ever go according to plan. Period.

This weekend we found out that OS's brother is getting deployed in early October, and since he and OS are pretty tight, we really didn't want him and his new wife to miss the wedding, which was originally scheduled for October 10th.

We chose the date of October 10th for several reasons. First and foremost, 10/10 is easy to remember, and I figured it upped my chances of getting anniversary presents in the future. It IS all about me, after all. Also, that weekend was the break in between my two fall sessions of class, (again...me, me, me) and the weather here in October is usually pretty mild. OS has always wanted to get married on his grandfather's farm (Oh, score one for OS!), and we figured the fall foliage would be a beautiful setting....so 10/10 it was!

However, after we realized that his brother wouldn't be able to come we quickly threw the date out the window and decided to move things up a couple of weeks, so he could come. This is what happened when that ball started rolling....


OS on the phone to his mom: How about September 26th?


Mommy In Law: That sounds good. He can come then.


OS on the phone to the photographer (Who we have paid and signed a contract with.): We need to change the date for the wedding.


Photographer: No problem! When?


OS: the 26th.


Photographer: Problem. I'm booked that day. I'm also not available the 12th. Any other date is good though.


OS on the phone to MIL: 26th is a no go. How about the 19th?


MIL: The 19th is fine here. Check with your grandfather about the farm.


OS on the phone to Grandfather: We can't do the 10th...how about the 19th?


Grandfather: We can't have it here on the 19th...we're having our 50th high school reunion...been planned for months. Any other date is fine.


OS to me: Ok...October is out. The 26th, 19th, and 12th of September are out. How about the 5th?

Me: That's a month from now! And it's Labor Day....but I'll check with the photographer.


Me on the phone to the Photographer: Can you do the wedding on the 5th (crossing fingers) even though it's Labor Day?


Photographer: Sure! I'm happy to! (I love her by the way.)


Me to OS: We can do the 5th...everyone is free....RING RING RING (this is OS's phone ringing...)


MIL on the phone to OS: We can't do the 5th....that's when we're going to Florida to see the new grandbaby....


OS to me: Courthouse???

Me: That's sounding better all the time!

Sleep....Sleep....Sleep

OS the next day: Want to marry me in three weeks? On August 29th? In the sweltering heat....outside....on the farm....with my brother and the photographer there....and a bunch of bugs probably???? Wanna????

Me: HELL YES!

SO......we're getting married in less than three weeks!!!! The rest of the weekend was a blur...there was a phone call to a friend that sounded something like, "Hey...how are you...oh that's good...listen, I need about 60 wedding invitations...don't care what they look like...and by the way I need them done tonight so I can come get them and mail them out this week." And in true friend for life fashion she said, "You got it, sister!" Invitations are in the mail. Then I called the friend that is doing alterations to my dress and said, "Listen, no pressure, but the wedding is in three weeks...can you rush my dress?" And she said, "No problem. Want to come for a final fitting next weekend?" Dress, CHECK. Then, OS and I ran through Target with a scanner gun and registered. I had to restrain my future husband as we walked past the big screen tv's...."No honey, no one loves us enough to buy us a big screen for a wedding present....PUT. THE. GUN. DOWN. Towels.....Towels and tupperware...that's what people buy." And we even drove up to the farm last night at 5:30...the same time the wedding will be...and realized we'll have a nice shady spot to get married in.

We're taking bets on the number of people that suspect a pregnancy is the reason for the quick nuptials...but it's not. We just want those that we love to be around us as we begin this journey together. I honestly couldn't be happier!

And if any of you are in the Nashville area on August 29th, grab your bug spray and head to the big hill on the farm....there will be love there.

The Core

There's an exercise I do with patients at work that involves "pulling your core to the floor." And yesterday at the gym, while reading an issue of "Natural Health" and kicking ass on the elliptical machine, there was an article on core exercise with pictures of petite, toned, tanned women perfectly balancing on their tailbones with their arms pointed up beyond their heads and their toes extended towards "the healthy person's heaven"...or something.


In light of my impending wedding I've gotten back into diet and exercise mode. I'm counting carbs, watching portions, and (GASP) even went back to the gym from which OS and I had taken a month long "we're in love so who gives a f**k what we look like" hiatus. While I will admit that my major motivation right now is the fact that I just dropped a lot of money on a photographer that will be taking pictures to be posted on the walls of at least 3 different living rooms that I know of...I am motivated right now to turn my health around. So I've been making changes in the diet, working the gym back into my routine, and popping vitamins and other little pellets of herbally goodness. I even sifted through the On Demand exercises to find a core workout. Apparently, it's all about "the core."


But there is a different core that I need to be paying attention to. Lately, I have been so overwhelmed with life and marriage and school and mommyhood and finances and...well you get the drift...that in all this wonderful mess of good and plenty that I have been blessed with, I have paid absolutely no attention to me...the me that God speaks to and works on and nourishes....the place where He goes to get to the bottom of things....my gut....my spirit...my core. My being over the past month or so has made quite a comfy little home being dependant on all of my surrounding circumstances for sustenance.

As long as OS and I are thriving...then I am good.

As long as E is happy...then I am good.

As long as money is plentiful...then I am good.

As long as school is manageable...then I am good.

As long as THINGS are good...then I am good.

But somewhere in the midst of all of this, I wasn't good anymore. And I have gotten frustrated with myself for it....for not feeling as good as I SHOULD....because look at all of my blessings! I should be walking on sunshine...and instead I have felt a dark cloud hanging overhead.

Over the past few days of focusing on getting my physical health in balance, I have come to realize that my spiritual health is in need of an overhaul. Very quickly and very easily, I began to rely on the wrong things to bring health and balance to my spirit. This is a dangerous place for me to stagnate, because right on the heels of the superficial happiness that is dependant on other people and other things is a mighty paralyzing depression that I know all too well. It's a sickness that creeps it's way into my head and then into my spirit. It packs hopelessness as its ammunition, and it uses lies as its fuel. In a word, it blows, and when I am not on top of my game spiritually, it blows any measure of happiness and blessing in my life right out of the water.

So today I am feeding myself a decent dose of truth. My relationships with the people that I love can bring blessing and joy into my life, but they cannot make me happy. School can bring direction and purpose into my life, but it cannot make me happy. Money can bring me more headaches and more things, but it cannot make me happy. Other people...other places...other things....can change my circumstances, but they cannot make me happy. The spiritual truth is that my happiness must rest in the voice and the Spirit of God. His call on my spirit is often quiet and gentle, because His desire is that I will seek Him in full knowledge that I will find Him when I do. His plan offers me wisdom, because there is a purpose that He intends for me to pursue. His fulfillment is not based on circumstances, but on the truth of knowing that when I dig into the meat of His promises, that I will be satisfied with a feast of His understanding.

My focus has been situated on the outward scene. I love the outward scene and the people that occupy it. I love the direction that my life is going, and the people that are going there with me. I am abundantly blessed with a wealth beyond monetary value. But all of this is nothing, if I don't stay in clear communication with The One who directs this path. So today I am adjusting my focus with an inward lens in order to better see The Source. If I seek Him, I will find Him. When I find Him, He will speak. When He speaks, I will listen. When I listen, I find peace.

This, I believe...to my very core.

Blog Slug

I know....I suck.

Lately I've had everything in the world to blog about, and for some reason, absolutely nothing to say! I've tried several times to sort through all the thoughts I'm having...dealing with....loving...hating...and none of them seem to come out as quite blog worthy. This is strange to me considering my life is happening at warp speed these days and I should be spewing blog worthy thoughts out my ears...but oh well. See...I can't even justify my lameness in a creative way. Ugh.

So in the interest of keeping updated the handful of you who still check this thing...here's what's been going on in my neck of the woods:

*officially finished my first year of grad school....onto year two! I can practically taste my degree.
*have received parental approval of my fiance...along with comments like, and I quote, "You two are a good fit" and "You seem more comfortable with him than anyone I've ever seen you with!" Color me happy.
*Gearing up for my first flea market vendor booth...half painted furniture is ALL OVER MY HOUSE. Lots to do....very little time....oh, Lord help me.
*Made major strides in potty training E. He still won't tell you when he needs to go...and there was that one time he forgot to point the Mr. down and peed on the dog...but progress is being made just the same.
*dropped my wedding dress off to have alterations made.
*booked the photographer and have a general idea of all wedding details.
*have opened a joint checking account. And paid joint bills.
*converted E's playroom into a den and organized E's bedroom so he can play in there now.
*and the list just keeps going....

I realize this isn't very exciting. But it made me sad to think of my blog being all....quiet.

I'll try to come up with something a little more interesting for the next post. I get that it's very unfair to subject you people to this. Please accept my heartfelt apologies and rest in the fact that I'm sure I'll be back in no time just blogging away about issues that would be better left to therapy. Lucky you!

LUCKY. YOU.

Oh Brother

E is becoming a big brother AS WE SPEAK.

Ex called around 4:30 this morning to let me know they were heading to the hospital and he would be dropping E off at the house. I was actually the most convenient drop off point for them, because our house is within spitting distance of the hospital that Sasha is delivering at. When Ex told me this a few weeks back, it seemed like the most logical solution to "What to do with E should she go into labor in the middle of the night while E is at their house."

Mind you, I never actually expected all of those variables to fall into place. But low and behold my phone started chiming it's annoying belly dance ring tone at an hour when only shift workers and pedophiles are still awake.

I have to say...it's weird that Ex is becoming a dad again. Not sad weird, not mad weird, not good weird, or even bad weird. Just the kind of weird that words don't really cover.

So anyway, I'm guessing that all of the potty training progress that we've been making with E lately might regress. Oh well...that's life...and apparently there's more of that going around today. Congrats to Ex and Sasha on the arrival of C.J.

And congrats to the little boy that has my heart...you're officially on duty Big Brother! I have a feeling that you'll kick the asses of big brothers that have gone before you....you're just that kind of special.

Before and After

My garage is still full of Goodwill finds....more to come!

Just Add Water

A few months back I took E to the zoo in Cincinnati. While I had a great trip, and E enjoyed seeing all of the animals, I couldn't help but wander around the zoo and be a little sad. All around me, couples were holding hands and pushing strollers...enjoying family time. I was, in a word, bummed. My whole life, I dreamed of family outings like this. Never once in that dream was I pushing the stroller alone. And never once, since I had given birth to my precious son, had I enjoyed a family outing like this. In the midst of my bummed mood, I stopped the stroller in front of a handful of baby cheetahs, watched my son ooh and aah, and turned my eyes toward God with a silent prayer that one day I would get to have the family life that I had always wanted.

Then, THE VERY NEXT WEEK, Old School turned back up in my life....and you know the rest of the story.

This past weekend was our longer weekend with E. He's been to the zoo a handful of times, and without fail, talks about it for weeks afterwards. When we realized how cool the weather was and that we had the whole day to ourselves with no projects that had to be done, we loaded up in the car, filled up on a country fried breakfast, (got a speeding ticket on the way), and headed out to enjoy the day together. E was so excited that on the way out of the restaurant he waved goodbye to the waiter and hollered across the dining room "We're going to the zoo to see the ANIMALS!"

Like true losers, we forgot the camera. Thank God for camera phones! The pictures aren't that great...but the memories are.

A few months ago, as I walked around the zoo feeling kind of sorry for myself, I had no idea that God was preparing for me an instant family.

Just add water.

Dear Lord,

Thanks for listening.

Dear Fear, Worry, and What If...

Part of last week, leading into this week, was emotionally heavy. I mainly blame it on PMS...but credit is also due to three little friends of mine.....

Dear Fear, Worry, and What If:

You suck. In fact, not only do you suck....you suck turkey turds. And in case you weren't aware...that's gross. Please desist immediately, so that I may swiftly return to a state of cheerfulness so annoying that people walking by me on the street would swear up and down that I shit sunshine.

Sincerely,

Me.

Here's the deal. As much as I would love to pretend that people close to me frolicked and did back flips when I announced my engagement, the opposite is true. My parents were congratulatory only through clinched teeth...and the FAS sent me a text stating, and I quote, "I want to be happy for you, but I won't disrespect you by faking it."

And although my precious family members are simply fearful of having to scrape pieces of my heart off of the concrete again, it hurt me that they couldn't simply see how happy I am and rejoice with me. They have since loosened up to the point of agreeing to come to the wedding with pinky swears that they won't lay down in the aisle and throw screaming hissy fits. If any of you reading happen to be either the FAS or one of my loving parental units, you have my deepest thanks.

I know that this engagement has happened quickly. OS and I talk about it all the time. But the truth is, that we've been talking about marriage since about day 3 of our courtship, and I firmly believe that when you know, you just bloody well know. Period.

BUT...everyone's concerns coupled with PMS and a couple of emotionally heavy conversations led me to an alarming encounter with my friends fear, worry, and what if. And for about 3 days last week I spent way too much time with each of them...intimately letting them molest my spirit until I lost sight of the reason that I KNEW THAT I KNEW in the first place, and leaving me with nothing but panic and despair. Could I really get married again? What if he turns into something resembling my first husband? What if this marriage, like the first one, is a complete disappointment? What if I wake up one day and find myself stuck with someone that refuses to meet me halfway? What if things aren't perfect and instead are horribly miserable? What if, what if what if?

So I talked to the only One that would understand. I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And pretty quickly, right there on the front steps of my home, God met me where I was at and spoke truth to me like He always does. His message was brief, but crystal clear. "Perfection is a process." And then, as quickly as the voice breezed by, it was gone and I was left with something other than fear, worry, and what if. I was left, once again, with complete peace.

I've learned something since Sara Getting Married, volume 1. I've learned that it's not what's said on the wedding day that matters. It's what is said during the fight, during the making up, during the laughter, during the tears, during the love....that will make this marriage work. So that night, OS and I curled up on the couch and laid our fears out on the newly painted coffee table. They were plentiful, but not powerful. And as our conversation progressed, tears flowed. Tears of fear, worry, and what if...tears that had been waiting to creep out for days....tears that needed to be cried...and caught by his hand.

OS can marry me....but he has no way of knowing what the future holds. When I asked him to promise me happiness, he said he couldn't. When I asked him to promise me forever, he said he'd like to. When I asked him to promise that tomorrow wouldn't hurt, he only said he hoped it wouldn't. But when I asked him to promise that he loved me, he wiped away fear, worry, and what if when he looked me in the eye and said, "I do."

The only guarantee with love is that the feelings that come with it will make you laugh harder, hurt deeper, miss more, desire unceasingly, and live memorably. So the second time around, I'm casting fear, worry, and what if into the wasteland, and hanging on to the One who CAN make me a promise...a promise that perfection is a process.

Dear Fear, Worry, And What If:

I'm marrying my best friend. He will probably hurt me at some point. He will likely disappoint me at some point. He may even break my heart at some point. But that remains to be seen. Today, we laugh together.....cry together....and love together.

The three of you have NOTHING on that.

Dear Old School,

Tomorrow's looking good too. ; )