This morning I saw something that caught my attention. I had just dropped E off at the gas station for the weekly swap with his dad, and on my way back, I passed a BMW. It's not that strange to pass a BMW...people do it on a daily basis, I'm sure of it. But this one was different. This wasn't just any BMW.
This was a BMW with a Pizza Hut magnetic sign perched on top. Yeah, really.
My first thought after, ok...not something you see every day, was what kind of choices did that guy make to put himself in the position of BMW owner and pizza delivery guy in the same season of his life? I can't help but think that his story must be some kind of flirtation between "sometimes life hands you lemons" and "holy, sh*t...wish I hadn't done that."
Lately I've been sorting through a pile of choices in my life, trying to distinguish the good from the bad, the lucky from the unlucky, the "sometimes life hands you lemons" and the "holy sh*t...wish I hadn't done that." I'm on a personal quest to figure out why I do the things I do....a much bigger initiative than I'm actually comfortable with, because it requires me to dive into the dark corners of my psyche and air out whatever might have set up residence there. And so far, the only conclusion that I've come to is that these aforementioned shortcomings and inadequacies have been shoved into the dark corners for a good reason...they kind of suck.
But, in the spirit of "airing out", this is what I've uncovered so far:
I live life in victim mode. It's very easy for me to take any lemons life might hand me and hurl them in someone else's direction. I try very hard to never be "at fault"....not because I'm never actually a key player in whatever heartache may be going on....but because the admission of such a role would mean that I'm not perfect. And while I KNOW I'm not perfect, I have nearly 29 years invested in getting others to believe that I'm pretty darn close....even though, rationally, I know they never do. (A realization that only serves to make me even MORE disappointed in my inability to live up to my incredibly unrealistic expectations of myself.) Wow...it was exhausting just typing that....no wonder I'm so tired all the time.
I'm never quite as happy where I'm at as I need to be. It seems that I'm always looking for the NEXT thing in life to bring excitement or happiness. It's hard for me to just. settle. in. I used to think I did this because life is supposed to one of those "the sky's the limit, take the bull by the horns, ride like the wind" kind of experiences. But in the process of airing out the dark corners, I've realized that I do this because I have an unhealthy ideal that life should be perfect, happy, rosy, uplifting, satisfying, gratifying, and splendid ALL THE TIME. Obviously, a mindset like this leads a girl to a wealth of absolutely nothing but disappointment on semi-regular basis. I haven't quite figured out WHY I do this yet...just that I do it. Stay tuned for the details...I'm sure it will be a humdinger.
There's tons more...but we'll call it a night there.
Suddenly, for some reason, being a BMW Pizza Delivery driver doesn't seem so bad.
(For anyone still reading this thing...I promise to blog about something completely comical and free of therapeutic references as soon as possible. Fart blog, anyone???)