Monday, December 15, 2008

Spun Sugar Dreams

I used to have this dream about being mom of the year with a house full of babies. My babies. From the time I was a little girl, that was pretty much all I wanted. I just knew that I would grow up, get married, reproduce, and live happily ever after.

I have realized that, for me, this was a "spun sugar dream." It was a sweet dream, and it sure looked pretty appealing. But the hard core truth about it was, like spun sugar, it goes away too quickly, and it isn't very fulfilling.

I'm not saying that I don't love being a mother. I do! It's honestly the greatest thing that God has ever done in my life! I have an amazing child who has taught me the meaning of "unconditional." And besides being the reason I want to live better, he eats well, sleeps well, and behaves better than any 2 year old I've ever come across! Being a mother to my sweet E has taught me more about life than I would have ever been able to learn on my own.

And I really thought I wanted more babies. Obviously I make fabulous ones! Why wouldn't I want a house full of them?!? But shortly after E was born, I began to realize that God's calling for my life went beyond a house full of babies. I had no idea what it was supposed to look like, but in the midst of the chaos of being a new mom, I realized that I wanted something different than the dream I had always settled on.

Last year, my "happily ever after" turned into a spun sugar dream as well. The dream I had for my marriage melted away as quickly as pink cotton candy in the hands of a child. Suddenly, I was in a position to question all of the dreams I had for myself. And I realized without much hesitation that the life I had decided I should lead wasn't at all the life that God had planned for me.

So I'm starting to open myself up to the vision that God has for my life. I started school and feel like God might have some big plans in the works for me to work with women. I don't really know what this might look like...but I know now that I don't have to have it figured out. I'm just supposed to keep walking.

I'm also open to the possibility that E might be my only child. I don't know this for sure, but I do know that God is slowly giving me peace about this path. Never before would I have been ok with this scenario. Never before would I have looked at it as a blessing in the making. But my attitude about having more children is shifting. This is something that has been the topic of conversation much more recently since Mr. Right has had a vasectomy. Could I really settle down with a man who can't have any more children? Could E and his kids be a fulfilling family unit for me? It never actually occurred to me when I started dating again that I would fall in love with a man that was older and done having kids. Of course, it also never seemed possible that I would fall in love again period.

It's a strange thing to look at your life and realize that all of the things you thought you wanted were apparitions. And it's stranger to look at the future, full of wild and organic possibilities, as things you never knew you wanted quickly become the things that drive you toward the goal.

The spun sugar dreams were sweet while they lasted.

But I'm wiping my hands, and ready for the real thing.


Jen said...

I think that's amazing that you are being so open-minded to God's plans, whatever they may be. I don't know if you read my blog, but we're not sure if we're going to be able to have more children in the way we had wanted, and initially I was devastated. And then I remembered that God is in control; we have an amazing child (if Evan is the best baby boy ever, Corinne is definitely the best baby girl ever!). How awesome that we have been so blessed as to be chosen as her parents. I do want more children, and I want Corinne to have the experience of having siblings, but if that's not in God's plans, then I know that whatever is planned for me is better than what I can imagine, or what I think I want.

By the by, there is such a thing as a vasectomy reversal . . . but you probably already know that. ;-)

Ba said...

Your "unsureness" seems to be shifting :)?????