I'm happy. Genuinely, calmly, happy. There's excitement, but it's not the same chaotic excitement that I have experienced in the past that meant a dangerous explosion was forthcoming. It's a kind of excitement that seems to fit nicely within the healthy boundaries of my life without making me act like I am....
My relationship with OS is growing and developing, and regardless of the fact that it's only been a short time since he made his reappearance into my life, his presence in my life seems to
And Lord help us all....I LOVE IT.
Do you know that part in the movie "When Harry Met Sally" where Harry tells Sally at the New Year's Eve party that once you find the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible? Remember that part? I do. And for the past couple of weeks, Billy Crystal's voice has been playing over and over in my mind, and for the first time ever, I actually like hearing him talk. I get it. I understand what he's talking about. (Here's the part where my parents melt into panic puddles on the floor. I can just see it...)
Trust me when I tell you that I understand the part that logic plays in loving someone. I have been burned before by not incorporating that into my relationships. But since my divorce, the only thing I've really been able to find is logic. Everyone was a "good choice." But it always felt so wrong...like something was missing.
This new relationship in my life has shown me that I haven't lost my capability to love someone, as I was beginning to fear might be true. I was afraid I was too jaded....too broken....too defective.
And while I'm reveling in the fact that this experience is driven by emotion more than anything I've experienced in a VERY long time, I'm trying very hard to keep a level head and make sure that this relationship makes sense. It seems to. It feels right. And I like the direction that it seems to be headed. In all honesty, I'm actually resisting the urge to give in to emotional whims that I never even knew existed.
But I'm still scared. Why is it that love arrives with fear in the passenger seat? What makes the vulnerability of loving someone such an intimidating place to reside? Half of me is ready to jump off the deep end into the depths of a relationship that has made me no promises, no plans...no safety or security to rely on....just a bunch of feelings that I didn't believe I could have again, and a longing for a life that, at this point, I can almost taste. The other half of me is being....logical. It's only been two weeks. And when I say the things out loud that I'm feeling and thinking...I can't really blame people for looking at me like I'm crazy....like I'm losing it....like I have toilet paper on the bottom of my shoe. I can't blame them...but I want to jump anyway.
I have come to a fork in the road...two paths that could make or break my attempt at loving again. One foot rests on rational. One foot rests on reckless abandon. Two very different paths that will undoubtedly provide two very different outcomes. I want both...and I want neither.
Because somewhere along the way, I've learned that it's the small plot of land between the two where love resides...where love makes sense....where love grows steadily.......
where love becomes worth the risk.
And as luck would have it, these days, I'm a risk taker.