Before you feel sorry for me, I should let you know that I hadn't spoken to this person in probably 10 years. We stopped being friends when he graduated high school, and we really weren't close enough to keep in touch after that. So this really isn't a "whoa is me" kind of post.
This friend, however, was someone that I was in the same circle with in school. He was older than me, but he dated my best friend for a good while, and therefore I spent a fair amount of time with him. We were all in band together, and while this wasn't necessarily the coolest place to be in high school, it created a circle of friends that, through thick and thin, seem to remain bonded regardless of time or distance. I mean, seriously, once you've changed clothes on a charter bus in the middle of the night at a truck stop in Georgia with your entire circle of friends also in various stages of disrobe....you're lifers. I would bet my right pinkie toenail that there's not a single person that went through that particular program that doesn't have a hodge podge of stories that start with the phrase "We were on the band bus..."
It wasn't the cool crowd....but it was more fun being on the inside than any of the outsiders would EVER have known. And even with all of the drama that found its way into our little community, everyone managed to retain a form of kinship to their fellow band geeks that never seems to go away.
And when something happens to a member of the group, the band geeks seem to come out of the woodwork. This week, one of our own found himself in a position that he determined to be the end of his rope, and without warning, without explanation, without thought for how much those he was leaving behind would hurt, he ended things.
And I Just Don't Understand.
Tell me....how can someone hang out with his group of friends on Monday night....not show a single sign of the thoughts he's having...and the next day pull the trigger on his life? How does something like that happen?
I understand loneliness. I understand fear. I understand "I just don't want to do this anymore!"
I even understand the thought of "what if."
What I don't understand is actually going so far as to find out.
God, I just don't understand....praying I never do.
(Please take a moment to lift up Jennifer, Mindy, and Billy as they don't understand either...and they are deeply impacted by the loss of their band geek...their friend....their lifer.)