Thursday, May 14, 2009

Just. Don't. Understand.

This week, a friend of mine from high school took his own life.

Before you feel sorry for me, I should let you know that I hadn't spoken to this person in probably 10 years. We stopped being friends when he graduated high school, and we really weren't close enough to keep in touch after that. So this really isn't a "whoa is me" kind of post.

This friend, however, was someone that I was in the same circle with in school. He was older than me, but he dated my best friend for a good while, and therefore I spent a fair amount of time with him. We were all in band together, and while this wasn't necessarily the coolest place to be in high school, it created a circle of friends that, through thick and thin, seem to remain bonded regardless of time or distance. I mean, seriously, once you've changed clothes on a charter bus in the middle of the night at a truck stop in Georgia with your entire circle of friends also in various stages of're lifers. I would bet my right pinkie toenail that there's not a single person that went through that particular program that doesn't have a hodge podge of stories that start with the phrase "We were on the band bus..."

It wasn't the cool crowd....but it was more fun being on the inside than any of the outsiders would EVER have known. And even with all of the drama that found its way into our little community, everyone managed to retain a form of kinship to their fellow band geeks that never seems to go away.

And when something happens to a member of the group, the band geeks seem to come out of the woodwork. This week, one of our own found himself in a position that he determined to be the end of his rope, and without warning, without explanation, without thought for how much those he was leaving behind would hurt, he ended things.

And I Just Don't Understand.

Tell can someone hang out with his group of friends on Monday night....not show a single sign of the thoughts he's having...and the next day pull the trigger on his life? How does something like that happen?

I understand loneliness. I understand fear. I understand "I just don't want to do this anymore!"

I even understand the thought of "what if."

What I don't understand is actually going so far as to find out.

God, I just don't understand....praying I never do.
(Please take a moment to lift up Jennifer, Mindy, and Billy as they don't understand either...and they are deeply impacted by the loss of their band geek...their friend....their lifer.)


Jaycee said...

Man, so sorry to hear that. Suicide is something I have never understood either. It's such a selfish act and I can't imagine anything ever getting THAT bad. I pray that something good can come of it for his family and friends, if nothing more than just to appreciate the frailty of life.

Jen said...

I'm right there with you . . . I don't think I've told you yet, but my late brother's wife took her own life just a few weeks ago. You might have even heard about it. She jumped from the I-24 Tennessee River bridge. She'd experienced more tragedy in her short life than most anyone can even imagine. Makes no sense.

Beloved Benevolence said...

It is hard to understand, and I don't think anyone ever will. It is a very sad thing to deal with, and I, like you, am a "Lifer". I hadn't spoken to him in a few years, but it seems like yesterday we were all on the bus, or in the living room, hanging out and sharing our lives. He will be missed by all of us geeks and even in such a sad occasion, I hope that we can remember the good times we shared. I will be there Saturday morning.

HappyascanB said...

Oh, I'm so very sorry you and your friends are having to go through this. My Dad committed suicide, and from what I've learned in the 14 years since his death, he received some news that devestated him, and in his impulsive ways, ended his life without thinking about it. We know suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Also, it's the most selfish decision a person can make. But I refuse to believe the folks who are so desperate that they end their own lifes are able to see their situation clearly and see a way out. The whys we will never have answered. I'm so sorry you're walking this road. I really am. Praying for all of y'all.

Krystyna Lizabeth. said...

I am sorry to hear that. I have never understood suicide. I guess i just try to live with the outlook in life that things will always look up if you let them. and i could never do that to my family. ever. they have suffered to much already.

Ann On and On... said...

Some things are so unexplainable and very sad. I am sorry for your friend and all of you who are left to feel the pain that he never shared with you.

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