I'm Engaged!!!!

The heading of my blog, just under Grace. Gets. Greater, reads "where second chances and God's Grace collide, there you will find me."

What it doesn't say, is "there" you will also find him....but it should. Because now, we are officially doing life together....the kind of together that involves a ring, big day discussions, and the dream of pissing each other off when we're old and gray!

OS asked me to marry him...to be his wife....to be his teammate...and I said yes through the happiest tears I've ever had ooze from my face. There will be a blog coming up with all of the details and sappiness....but for now....

Dear Lord,
When you said You knew the plans you had for me, you never mentioned that they would be the flavor of amazing that I wasn't even sure it was ok to dream about. When you told me that everything would be ok, you never mentioned that it would be SO.MUCH.BETTER than ok. When you said that the valley of weeping would turn into pools of blessing, you never mentioned that it would quench my thirst in this all consuming way that it has. When you said you loved me....I didn't quite understand that it meant you wanted to see me happy.

Thank you, Lord, for answering prayers that I have prayed since I was a little girl. Your perfect timing, until now, seemed like it was taking forever...but now I know why. When everything seemed so chaotic and out of control, I had no idea where you were taking me. But Lord, I'd do it all again to be in the midst of this blessing that I'm in right now.

Thank you for the most perfectly imperfect man that I could ever have dreamed up for myself. Thank you for his laugh, for his humor, for his wit. Thank you for his charm, his affection, and his depth. Thank you for his passion for doing life better, his zeal for making things matter, and his heart with all of its hopes and scars.

Thank you for bringing him back into my life at THE PERFECT TIME, in THE PERFECT WAY, so that the only thing we could know for sure is that we had NOTHING to do with it, and you...EVERYTHING. Thank you, Lord, for the delicate, merciful intersection between grace and second chances....because that is where we found each other.

And for that, I praise you.

And the Winner Is....

My last blog was about naming my new side business. I'm buying used furniture and "sprucing it up" to resell. So far, my success equals one sale and a lot of big dreaming. But I'm excited about this opportunity to do something that I love, and since it's something that relaxes me and makes me happy that's just icing on the cake.

I needed a business name and was really leaning toward Graced Seconds. However, several of you mentioned that you didn't like using "seconds" in the name, because it might have an association with cheap that I'm not so much going for. I appreciate the input, because I never really thought about it like that, and have decided against using "seconds" in the business name.

However, I really wanted to come up with something that involved grace. Over the past couple of years, God has been consistently offering up bits of His grace into my life. I think prior to a couple of years ago, I really had no understanding of what His grace really was, and now it has become my mantra. It's the reason that I'm where I'm at, and ultimately it's the reason for this blog! So it was very important to me that the business name continue that theme and bring some sort of honor to God.

My life is SO. INCREDIBLY. DIFFERENT than it was two years ago, and in the car on the way home from school today I was overcome with emotion over the dramatic turn that I have taken. Two years ago I was broken, directionless, and doing good just to breathe in and out. There was so little light in my life, and at the time I didn't even realize it. I was treading water and getting ready to drown. Today, I have a glimpse of what God wants to do with my life, a path for getting there, a spirit of survival, and the passion to make each day count. Not too awful long ago, God threw me a piece of grace, and it was all I needed to stop just breathing in and out and start LIVING.

And because my new business is all about transformation, I've decided to name it....

Pieces of Grace

A piece of furniture will change your living room...a Piece of Grace will change your life.

Making Ends Meet...YOUR VOTE COUNTS!

A few blogs ago I mentioned that I was going part time at work. This transition is kind of taking place this week and will officially start next week. This was brought on by a little scuffle with my boss over me going to school...but God really used the experience to allow me to see that I could operate in a less stressful way over the next year and a half while I finish my degree. The new schedule at work (Monday-Thursday 8-1) will allow me to spend SO much more time with my baby boy, and give me time to get some things done around the house. There are actual domestic things that I'd like to do that always fall to the bottom of my list of priorities when I feel myself running around too crazy. Now, I can meet OS at the gym on his days off, cook dinner, try and keep the laundry caught up, and maybe even get my house organized! I have goals people....real goals that result in a house that smells like febreeze on a daily basis!





And in order to make ends meet I'm pursuing a passion of mine that has, up til now, gone largely untapped. I'm starting a side business of painting and refinishing furniture. The business officially got underway last night when I made my first sale. I painted my dining room table (a craigslist purchase during the divorce) a deep red color with antique black underneath. It turned out really well....so well in fact that Old School didn't want me to sell it because he liked it so much. (I think I surprised him....he was expecting disaster. And honestly...it's me....disaster seems to follow wherever I go...so I can't blame him! But when the finishing touches were done I believe his exact words were "Maybe you shouldn't sell it.....I like it....I think we should keep it and find another damn table for you to sell.")

Before After

This is the antiquing. Kind of hard to see....


So anyway, I need your help. Since the first sale was a success, I'm going all in and making a business out of this little venture. In August I plan to participate in our local flea market with several pieces (and maybe some homemade soap...who knows...I'm full of surprises) and I need a business name. All of the furniture will be used and either handpainted or refinished. So far I'm debating between....

Graced Seconds

Seconds by Sara

Second Chance Chest

Feel free to throw another name in the hat. I'm open to pretty much anything! But since you guys have been so faithful to follow me through this crazy life over the past several months, I wanted your most valuable input. Cast your vote and the winner takes it all! Thanks for playing!

Life Back Guarantee

I'm sitting on my couch with the tv tuned to Jon and Kate Plus 8. They are announcing (on the show no less) their future plans for their relationship and family. I go back and forth between being heartbroken for them and wondering whether or not this is, in fact, the greatest publicity stunt of all time.

But I don't think it is.

I met Jon and Kate in 2007, before their show was a People Magazine focus and their kids were officially potty trained. They spoke at a local church, and I had a few minutes with each of them. They were precious people, and it breaks my heart (and angers me beyond belief!) that they are facing the challenges that they are with their marriage. While I agree with others that they should shut down the show and focus on their family, I still can't drag myself away from this window into their stormy world.

Less than a month after my encounter with Jon and Kate, my marriage ended and life took an unexpected turn towards pain, anger, disappointment, rebirth, direction, and fulfillment. I had no idea at the time that the most painful night of my life would turn into the most enriching and rewarding experience I have had thus far.

Fast Forward.

Today I went to work. My boss is out of town on vacation, so he invited another chiropractor to stand in for him. She is in her mid to late 30's and was extremely pleasant. I would never have known that she was in the midst of the most horrible pain one can imagine. However, during the course of the day and the conversation, she let me in on her experience of watching her little girl pass away just a few short months ago. She was 4 years old, sick with a chromosomal abnormality, and she died of pneumonia. As Dr. L briefly told me the story, her eyes welled up with tears and she excused herself to the bathroom.

Lately, it seems that God is speaking to my spirit through many loud, clanging, signs that there are no guarantees. Life doesn't make many promises, and I've spent too much of mine planning for and worrying about things that either never happened...or made me stronger when they did.

OS and I are talking about "the future." They are the kind of talks that make me well up on the inside with gratefulness to God for his grace and faithfulness....and they are the kinds of talks that cause each of us to gather the fear from the depths of our toenails, hold it in our hands, and ask "is this going to hurt me?" It's next to impossible for either of us to have these talks without either the gratefulness or the gathering.

But there are no guarantees. And as God gently urges my spirit toward that mantra, I'm seeing over and over the importance of living today. Enjoying today. Singing our song today. Loving today. Embracing today.

We aren't promised tomorrow...and when tomorrow works its way into today, we aren't necessarily promised a pretty package. We ARE promised a God who will never leave us or forsake us. We ARE promised the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. We ARE promised to be lifted out of the mud and mire and our feet set on a firm foundation. We ARE promised that no matter what hand we are dealt, we don't have to play the game alone.

I hear God's gentle whispers to love in abundance today, because the only thing I know to be true is that when tomorrow comes, it will be different...a kind of different that I can only affect with today's choices.

So today I will choose to love.

Thirty minutes have passed since I tuned in to see Jon and Kate face tomorrow. But now there is a storm blowing outside. My power went out long ago. Sirens are screaming to the scene of a nearby accident....and I am curled up on the couch with only the glow of my computer screen and a bit of battery left.

I'm lost in thought over what Jon and Kate might do. Will they work it out. Will they give up? Will they choose to love? And I'm lost in thought over Dr. L...who smiles over so much pain...pain that she didn't ask for or deserve....but pain that she is wearing daily. And I'm lost in thought over this man that I have fallen in love with. Will it be forever? Will we have the kind of happiness that I dream for us? Will we continue to sing to each other as the new wears off?

And I realize that none of that matters. Be it joy or pain, whatever we have today, we may lose tomorrow or gain tenfold. There is no such thing as a Life Back Guarantee....we get today once... and the memory for a lifetime.

So today I choose to love.

Live and Learn...or something like that...

Everyone stand back....I've been learning things about myself. Unfortunately for me, and anyone who chooses to keep coming back to my blog, most of the things I've learned lately I haven't really liked.

Don't you just hate when that happens?!?!

I miss 6 months ago when I was in my "Screw the world, I'm the most awesome thing God ever created" phase and I felt like anyone who didn't agree with me was either

a. stupid

or

b. yet uninformed of my greatness.

Shame on them.

However, my delusions of grandeur have ceased, and lately I seem to be noticing all the "not so awesome" things about me. Lucky for you, I'm about to share. All you haters out there...this is the blog you've been waiting for.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

I have problems with authority.
I don't have problems with legal authority like police or the law in general. But I have a real problem working for a big donkey patooty that only says negative things and expects everything to be perfect. EXCUSE ME FOR THAT LAST SET OF PAPERS BEING STAPLED SLIGHTLY AMISS....I WILL NOW IMPALE MYSELF ON THE MODEL OF THE PERFECT SPINE YOU HAVE IN YOUR OFFICE...YOU KNOW...THE ONE THAT YOU LIKE TO BEND AND TWIST AROUND WHILE YOU ARE ON THE PHONE...CONSIDER IT MY VOLUNTARY AGREEMENT THAT I DO, IN FACT, SUCK! Ok...but here's the deal....I have always had problems with my employers. It's not that I've been bad at my jobs or insubordinate or anything like that. But I always manage to end up feeling like I'm working for an idiot...and then I begin to resent working for said idiot...and then I look for another job. The light at the end of this dismal tunnel is that I'm in school so I can eventually work for myself....an achievement that can't come quick enough. Both of my parents, in essence, work for themselves. They have always pretty much set their own schedules and managed their own time. This lifestyle is appealing to me, and I can't really see myself being happy any other way. I just don't think I have it in me. Or maybe I'm just a spoiled brat. My guess, if I'm being honest, is that it's a pretty healthy balance of the two. I don't think I'll ever like working for someone else....and...in my best whiny voice....I just don't wanna. And the arrogant stuck up part of me thinks I'm smart enough to figure out a way not to have to do this. (I might have to come back and eat crow on this one some day...but if I don't try I'll never know.)

I'm strong until I'm in a relationship.
THIS....let me tell you, has been a hard pill to swallow. I still haven't fully realized the reasons for it, but I'm sure it goes WAY back and would require a lot of conversations with "Little Sara" in order to fix it. Here's the scoop. Things with OS are great. He's good to me, and we have a great time. There is a lot of laughter, usually over absolutely nothing, and I'm loving life. I really couldn't ask for things to be better. But during the course of our relationship, we've both hit small pockets of "down in the dumps" and we're becoming more comfortable letting our true colors show. This is all well and good, because as the true colors have come out, we've both stayed put. But I've noticed something about myself because of this natural progression in the relationship that I really don't like about me. I tend to lose my strength when I'm in love. When I was dating before I had no fear being a "speak my mind, tell it like it is, take no prisoners" hard ass in the relationship. I was not going to settle again, and I was going to make damn sure that whoever the flavor of the month was at that point knew it. But with OS it's different. When there is conflict of any sort, major or minor, I lose all of my hard ass qualities in order to get past the conflict and retain harmony. And in doing this, sometimes I don't say everything I think I should have said, or I lose my ability to truly speak my mind. I think it's because I've opened myself up to a very vulnerable place in this relationship, and when I see bumps in the road coming, my natural reaction is to brace for impact. I'm scared of losing this happiness. I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of having the bottom fall out...because the last time I was this vulnerable the happiness melted away, the hurt came with a vengeance and the bottom fell out...over and over again. And that's not just the story with Ex....that's the story with my experience with men in general going back again to when I was "Little Sara." I've gotten very used to expecting the worst....so that when the bump in the road gets here, I feel absolutely no strength in my bones to handle the impact of it all. So I turn to mush and hope for the best.

There's really no reason for me to be doing this with OS, because I think there is safety with him, and it's one of the reasons that I love him. I'll probably never be a complete hard ass...because I think being in love with someone tends to soften those edges anyway...but I'm going to work on finding the strength to speak my mind when I feel I need to. I think life and love are just too short to be afraid of what may come. New leaf....turned over.

I have absolutely no sense of style.
This probably doesn't come as much of a shock to anyone who actually knows me, but I'm a dork. I often act like a dork, talk like a dork, and dress like a dork. I wish this wasn't the case, but I grew up with no focus on being "in", and I never really got the hang of putting outfits together, accessorizing, or looking cool. And I didn't really realize how bad it actually was....but 3 guys that I have dated now have either subtly or not so subtly pointed it out to me. And while I've always thought I at least looked presentable....now I'm constantly concerned about JUST HOW BIG OF A DORK DO I APPEAR TO BE TODAY? And I

a. Hate that I even care

and

b. care way more than I should.

The dilemma here is that I wouldn't know what to buy if it jumped up and bit me in my dorky jeans attired ass and it doesn't really matter anyway, because I'm about to step out into this "I have a problem with authority" part time job, new world thing and won't have the money to buy cool clothes even if I did recognize them when they bit me. Problems, problems everywhere.

I realize that this really isn't all that big of an issue...I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'm a dork....but it's bringing up some insecurities that I forgot I had....the need for other people's approval....caring too much what other people think....worrying that I'm not good enough. Old, old crap that I can't seem to flush away.

And I think I'll stop there for the day. I mean really...there are starving children in countries that Madonna and Angelina haven't even gotten around to adopting from yet, so do any of my piddly little issues actually matter? Probably not.

But for some reason that I may never understand, they seem less like a big deal on my blog than they do in my head. Call me thankful for a corner of the internet into which I can sweep my issues and name them done.

Breaking Down Boxes

Laney (aka The Dog Who Shits In The Playroom) has been sleeping in a crate at night. Actually...I should probably say that Laney, aka TDWSITP, has been hollering and yelping in the crate at night. As of yet there has been very little actual sleeping. I've read before that crate training is the best way to housebreak...and OS googled it...so it must be true.

But TDWSITP absolutely, positively HATES being boxed in. Really, I can't blame her. I mean, if someone locked me inside a wire box that was barely big enough for me to turn around in, and then left me in there for 4 hours at a time expecting me not to at least piddle on myself a little bit....well....then....I feel safe in saying that I'd have some yelping of my own to do.

While I was in class today supposedly listening to final presentations on counseling diverse populations, I spent a lot of time thinking about Laney and her crate...and somehow that ended up with me thinking over all the ways that it's easy to get boxed in by life.

I think I have spent the better part of my life trapped in boxes that either others put me in, or I ignorantly climbed into on my own. For the longest time I was a Christian, but I couldn't for the life of me discern what was going on in my spirit, let alone listen to it. For a while, I was a wife...but the title really didn't matter, because for the most part I was still doing life alone. I am an employee....but I pass the hours by dreaming of doing life differently. All of this leads me to think that there must be a better way.

There seems to be a new theme developing in my life.....breaking down boxes. I've come to the realization over the last year or so that life doesn't ever turn out the way you expect it to....and planning for the future can very often lead to disappointment. But LIVING today, will never fail you. And I have spent so much time planning for the future and hoping for the best, that I haven't done much LIVING for today. However, I'm turning over a new leaf.

I've decided to change my work schedule so that I can enjoy TODAY....if I choose it.
I've decided to stop worrying about what MIGHT happen with OS so that I can enjoy TODAY....if I choose it.
I've decided to give up trying to be the Christian that everyone thinks I should be, so that I can hear God TODAY...if I choose it.
I've decided that it doesn't matter what life SHOULD look like...but what it COULD look like...if I choose it.
I've decided that being the best version of myself doesn't have to wait until I'm remarried, finished with school, thinner, smarter, or financially stable....it can happen TODAY...if I choose it.

And I'm tired of being boxed in in such a way that makes me choose something else. So I'm breaking down boxes...and choosing to do life differently. I only get one life....and I've finally REALLY realized that I can make it be whatever I want....no rules....no expectations

and it just so happens that I want it to be fulfilling....TODAY.....so I choose it.

Now that I know I actually have that option, doing anything else makes me want to curl up in my little box....holler, yelp, and piddle on myself. So much so that I almost don't want to make Laney sleep in the crate.

Almost.....but I'd rather her piddle in the crate than shit in the playroom.

Slacker.....sorry little slacker.

Yep, that's me. I'm a slacker.

This week I made a somewhat crazy decision to transition to part-time at work. To a lot of people, this is going to seem crazy and irresponsible. And in all honesty, I can understand that perspective. I mean...I have full time bills and tuition payments....so it makes sense that I would have a full time job. Really....it seems like a no brainer.

But I'm tired. For the past 11 months I have gone NON STOP. If I'm not at work, I'm at school. If I'm not at school, I'm at home writing a paper for school. If I'm not at home writing a paper for school, I'm trying to be a good mommy...and let's call a spade a spade...when you have zero energy after all the things that you HAVE to do....being a good mommy is a lot harder than it should be. My relationship with my child is fine. He knows I'm his mommy, and I know his habits, sayings, favorite blankets, and what to buy for him at the grocery store. But the energy that I have to give him is FAR LESS than he deserves. He deserves

so. much. more.

Then last week, I told my boss I was in school and that in August I would need to leave an hour early from work twice a week. And he told me I had disappointed him and betrayed him. And then he threatened to write me up...to make me sign a piece of paper stating that I was a disappointment and a betrayer. I politely refused and strangled the urge to tell him what he could do with his little piece of paper and instead offered up a couple of workable solutions for all parties involved. (See....all this learning that I've been doing about counseling is paying off!) One of the options was to cut my hours...and the more I thought about doing it...the lighter I felt. So I prayed about it for a couple of days, and yesterday I told him that at the end of the month I would be changing my schedule to work only 20 hours a week.

While this DOES tend to beg the question "how will you pay your bills," the question that I'd rather answer is "what are you going to do with those other 20 hours?" The answer goes something like this....

drop off and pick E up from pre school

take E to the park

take E to the pool

read stories to my baby boy some other time besides just before bed

play in the backyard

cook dinner for my two special guys

take The Dog Who Shits In The Playroom for walks to show her other places to shit

get my house in some kind of order

clean stuff

go to the gym

and basically keep what's left of my sanity. And during those other 20 hours there will be some projects going on that will hopefully supplement my bills. The thing is, I was just too tired to keep going the way I was. And I can't quit being a mom, because God blessed me with that little booger. And I can't quit school, because God specifically told me to go back.

But I can reduce the stress due to my job, and trust that God will provide for the difference. I have peace about it, and as long as that's the case, I can handle pretty much anything. (I'm sure a couple of months from now I'll be blogging about financial stress....and I give all you naysayers the right to say "I told you so" when that happens.

And here's the thing. I know I'm not the only one who's tired and feels like they just can't keep going like they've been going. I know there are tons of stay at home moms who desperately need a break. I know there are tons of people out there who would rather scrape their eyeballs with a paper clip than go to work for another day. I get that you people are out there.

Which leaves me to beg the question...

why don't you do something about it?

Family Addition

Today, OS and I made our first investment together as a couple.

Everyone, meet Laney.

Laney is a purebred German Shepherd and the byproduct of the combined impulsivity of both my boyfriend and myself. I was famous for it on my own...but I think I may have met my match!

We've been saying for a couple of weeks that we'd like to get a dog together. And then we rationalized this by saying that E really needed a dog to wrestle around with....I mean, what kind of life can a little boy have without a dog to grow up with?!?! A darn sad life....that's what kind.

I honestly thought that getting the dog would take a little longer...until OS started talking about it more consistently. Then, last night, he spent the better part of the evening googling dog breeds and saying things like, "Well...if we get a bull mastiff it will shed less...but a German Shepherd is really smart." I knew a statement like this was trouble. Old School didn't realize it at the time, but the gateway to my impulsivity also just happens to rest in the depths of Google... just past the enter button and in the evil clutches of the Point of No Return. Once the obsession hits, there's just no turning back. And look out world, because now there's two of us and we're collaborating as a team.

Go ahead...take a moment to shudder at the thought.

So today, when Old School, who was apparently awakened by dog breed researching withdrawals, began asking what E and I wanted to do today, I had a feeling that by the end of the day we'd be dog owners. He was just. so. excited. about. it. And sure enough, as the day progressed, phone calls to breeders were made, addresses written down, and after a quick lunch and lots of dog name conversation, we were well on our way to expanding the size of our family.

We went into the breeders home planning to choose a male pup with mostly tan markings. We were also prepared to wait 3 weeks for that particular litter of pups to be ready to leave their mom. But upon our arrival, IMPULSIVITY kicked in again, and we instead chose a female pup from an older litter with mostly black markings...you know...because we could have her TODAY instead of 3 weeks from now. Apparently patience does not fit well on either of us. Oh the trouble we can get into because of that.....

Anyway, we piled into the car with one more living, breathing, pooping, being than we left home with...and now there's a black faced, female German Shepherd puppy curled up on my couch...

and the love in the house keeps growing.

Awards!

This week I got two blog awards from two girls that I really really like and have never even met!


B over at HappyascanB gave me this:and Krystyna Lizabeth gave me this:

Thanks to both of you for thinking enough of my random ramblings to give me the awards! I'm supposed to pass them along to 5 of my favorite blogs. It's hard to pick just 5, but I'm going to send both awards to the following....mainly because I'm short on time and don't have time to link to 10 people....so happy day for:

Jaycee at Married Without Children who just rocks in every possible way...
S at A Little To The Left because she needs to blog more...and she's my FAS....
Amy at The Soundtrack of My Dreams....because she really shouldn't love me, but she does...
JPP at Just Playing Pretend....because she is just SO GOOD. And she has an adorable puppy you just really need to go look at...
Lora at Take Me The Way I Am...because she's one of God's best...and I still owe her a hike...


Go check out these fine ladies along with HappyascanB and Krystyna. They all just make blogging more fun! Love you ladies!

Little Bits of Life

I realize that I've been somewhat of a horrid slacker on the blogging as of late. There are several reasons for this.



A. My new job doesn't allow me time to hop on the computer that often to vent my various thoughts and feelings...the only thing I miss about my old desk job....



B. I've had a wee bit o' writer's block lately. I absolutely hate when this happens. But it might have to do with the general fog I've been living under lately due to the fact that....



C. I'm in love. And when you combine the general fog of love with the fact that I'd rather be DOING stuff with OS rather than just WRITING about it you get...

A PRETTY BORING BLOG.

The silver lining in all of this is that for me, a pretty boring blog = a pretty happy life.

Here are some little bits of life that have been going on as of late....

E has peed in the potty a lot more lately. He goes through spurts of liking the potty and then hating it again. This week, he's been fully on board and even narrated as he was going..."Mommy...I peein in the potty....Mommy, I pooted.....Mommy....I peed in floor a wittle bit." Progress comes in all shapes and sizes people....don't judge.

I got an email from Sasha. And wrote one back. And got another email from her. And wrote another one back. I wouldn't call us BFF, but I think we're well on our way to making my son's life much more peaceful and much less dramatic, which is the ultimate goal. I really can't even begin to describe to you what a huge step this is. Admittedly, all of our emails started with some flavor of "I know this is a really strange situation, but..." but all in all it has been a very positive experience.

OS and I joined a gym together.... a family membership....with a contract. Yikes. This means two things.....

A. We're in this together

and

2. I have to go to the gym.

Both are incredibly good things in my life...and both tend to scare the shit out of me. Gyms in general just intimidate me. I feel like I walk in with a giant neon arrow pointing at my head that says, "DOES NOT BELONG, DOES NOT BELONG....SHUUUUUNNNNN THE CHUNKY GIRL...SHUUUNNNN." It's not a good feeling.

But I will do it. I will put forth the effort. I will commit. I will do what I have to do to get the results that I long for.

And in case you haven't caught on yet...being in love scares me. And I think it's safe to say that I am GOOD AND WELL IN LOVE. It's also safe to say that I am GOOD AND WELL SCARED SHITLESS. I've spent a lot of time in the last few days praying through a kind of fear that I haven't experienced in a very long time....the fear of an ending that I just don't ever want to come. Love scares me, because once you've experienced a feeling like this....the thought of not having it anymore is a kind of unbearable that there are no words for. And I don't ever want to find myself in that place. And loving someone means putting yourself in the position for loss...it's scary....it's a thick, choking, kind of scary that is just almost overwhelming enough to make you not want to take that chance....

But I will do it. I will put forth the effort. I will commit. I will do what I have to do to get the results that I long for.

Once this kind of love has hit your lips, there is really no other choice but to put one foot in front of the other...

in the same direction as him.