Thursday, June 18, 2009

Live and Learn...or something like that...

Everyone stand back....I've been learning things about myself. Unfortunately for me, and anyone who chooses to keep coming back to my blog, most of the things I've learned lately I haven't really liked.

Don't you just hate when that happens?!?!

I miss 6 months ago when I was in my "Screw the world, I'm the most awesome thing God ever created" phase and I felt like anyone who didn't agree with me was either

a. stupid


b. yet uninformed of my greatness.

Shame on them.

However, my delusions of grandeur have ceased, and lately I seem to be noticing all the "not so awesome" things about me. Lucky for you, I'm about to share. All you haters out there...this is the blog you've been waiting for.


I have problems with authority.
I don't have problems with legal authority like police or the law in general. But I have a real problem working for a big donkey patooty that only says negative things and expects everything to be perfect. EXCUSE ME FOR THAT LAST SET OF PAPERS BEING STAPLED SLIGHTLY AMISS....I WILL NOW IMPALE MYSELF ON THE MODEL OF THE PERFECT SPINE YOU HAVE IN YOUR OFFICE...YOU KNOW...THE ONE THAT YOU LIKE TO BEND AND TWIST AROUND WHILE YOU ARE ON THE PHONE...CONSIDER IT MY VOLUNTARY AGREEMENT THAT I DO, IN FACT, SUCK! Ok...but here's the deal....I have always had problems with my employers. It's not that I've been bad at my jobs or insubordinate or anything like that. But I always manage to end up feeling like I'm working for an idiot...and then I begin to resent working for said idiot...and then I look for another job. The light at the end of this dismal tunnel is that I'm in school so I can eventually work for achievement that can't come quick enough. Both of my parents, in essence, work for themselves. They have always pretty much set their own schedules and managed their own time. This lifestyle is appealing to me, and I can't really see myself being happy any other way. I just don't think I have it in me. Or maybe I'm just a spoiled brat. My guess, if I'm being honest, is that it's a pretty healthy balance of the two. I don't think I'll ever like working for someone my best whiny voice....I just don't wanna. And the arrogant stuck up part of me thinks I'm smart enough to figure out a way not to have to do this. (I might have to come back and eat crow on this one some day...but if I don't try I'll never know.)

I'm strong until I'm in a relationship.
THIS....let me tell you, has been a hard pill to swallow. I still haven't fully realized the reasons for it, but I'm sure it goes WAY back and would require a lot of conversations with "Little Sara" in order to fix it. Here's the scoop. Things with OS are great. He's good to me, and we have a great time. There is a lot of laughter, usually over absolutely nothing, and I'm loving life. I really couldn't ask for things to be better. But during the course of our relationship, we've both hit small pockets of "down in the dumps" and we're becoming more comfortable letting our true colors show. This is all well and good, because as the true colors have come out, we've both stayed put. But I've noticed something about myself because of this natural progression in the relationship that I really don't like about me. I tend to lose my strength when I'm in love. When I was dating before I had no fear being a "speak my mind, tell it like it is, take no prisoners" hard ass in the relationship. I was not going to settle again, and I was going to make damn sure that whoever the flavor of the month was at that point knew it. But with OS it's different. When there is conflict of any sort, major or minor, I lose all of my hard ass qualities in order to get past the conflict and retain harmony. And in doing this, sometimes I don't say everything I think I should have said, or I lose my ability to truly speak my mind. I think it's because I've opened myself up to a very vulnerable place in this relationship, and when I see bumps in the road coming, my natural reaction is to brace for impact. I'm scared of losing this happiness. I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of having the bottom fall out...because the last time I was this vulnerable the happiness melted away, the hurt came with a vengeance and the bottom fell out...over and over again. And that's not just the story with Ex....that's the story with my experience with men in general going back again to when I was "Little Sara." I've gotten very used to expecting the that when the bump in the road gets here, I feel absolutely no strength in my bones to handle the impact of it all. So I turn to mush and hope for the best.

There's really no reason for me to be doing this with OS, because I think there is safety with him, and it's one of the reasons that I love him. I'll probably never be a complete hard ass...because I think being in love with someone tends to soften those edges anyway...but I'm going to work on finding the strength to speak my mind when I feel I need to. I think life and love are just too short to be afraid of what may come. New leaf....turned over.

I have absolutely no sense of style.
This probably doesn't come as much of a shock to anyone who actually knows me, but I'm a dork. I often act like a dork, talk like a dork, and dress like a dork. I wish this wasn't the case, but I grew up with no focus on being "in", and I never really got the hang of putting outfits together, accessorizing, or looking cool. And I didn't really realize how bad it actually was....but 3 guys that I have dated now have either subtly or not so subtly pointed it out to me. And while I've always thought I at least looked I'm constantly concerned about JUST HOW BIG OF A DORK DO I APPEAR TO BE TODAY? And I

a. Hate that I even care


b. care way more than I should.

The dilemma here is that I wouldn't know what to buy if it jumped up and bit me in my dorky jeans attired ass and it doesn't really matter anyway, because I'm about to step out into this "I have a problem with authority" part time job, new world thing and won't have the money to buy cool clothes even if I did recognize them when they bit me. Problems, problems everywhere.

I realize that this really isn't all that big of an issue...I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'm a dork....but it's bringing up some insecurities that I forgot I had....the need for other people's approval....caring too much what other people think....worrying that I'm not good enough. Old, old crap that I can't seem to flush away.

And I think I'll stop there for the day. I mean really...there are starving children in countries that Madonna and Angelina haven't even gotten around to adopting from yet, so do any of my piddly little issues actually matter? Probably not.

But for some reason that I may never understand, they seem less like a big deal on my blog than they do in my head. Call me thankful for a corner of the internet into which I can sweep my issues and name them done.


Amy said...

Seriously, I love your guts. Now, this is a post I can relate to. :) I think you have more style than you know. And I think you're adorable.

Anonymous said...

Yikes, if you have no style, then I'm...well, I probably shouldn't be out in public. Ever.


Lora said...

I love your absolute honesty...and honestly I could fill blogs and blogs about what I've learned about myself that's not so flattering...