Awards!

This week I got two blog awards from two girls that I really really like and have never even met!


B over at HappyascanB gave me this:and Krystyna Lizabeth gave me this:

Thanks to both of you for thinking enough of my random ramblings to give me the awards! I'm supposed to pass them along to 5 of my favorite blogs. It's hard to pick just 5, but I'm going to send both awards to the following....mainly because I'm short on time and don't have time to link to 10 people....so happy day for:

Jaycee at Married Without Children who just rocks in every possible way...
S at A Little To The Left because she needs to blog more...and she's my FAS....
Amy at The Soundtrack of My Dreams....because she really shouldn't love me, but she does...
JPP at Just Playing Pretend....because she is just SO GOOD. And she has an adorable puppy you just really need to go look at...
Lora at Take Me The Way I Am...because she's one of God's best...and I still owe her a hike...


Go check out these fine ladies along with HappyascanB and Krystyna. They all just make blogging more fun! Love you ladies!

Little Bits of Life

I realize that I've been somewhat of a horrid slacker on the blogging as of late. There are several reasons for this.



A. My new job doesn't allow me time to hop on the computer that often to vent my various thoughts and feelings...the only thing I miss about my old desk job....



B. I've had a wee bit o' writer's block lately. I absolutely hate when this happens. But it might have to do with the general fog I've been living under lately due to the fact that....



C. I'm in love. And when you combine the general fog of love with the fact that I'd rather be DOING stuff with OS rather than just WRITING about it you get...

A PRETTY BORING BLOG.

The silver lining in all of this is that for me, a pretty boring blog = a pretty happy life.

Here are some little bits of life that have been going on as of late....

E has peed in the potty a lot more lately. He goes through spurts of liking the potty and then hating it again. This week, he's been fully on board and even narrated as he was going..."Mommy...I peein in the potty....Mommy, I pooted.....Mommy....I peed in floor a wittle bit." Progress comes in all shapes and sizes people....don't judge.

I got an email from Sasha. And wrote one back. And got another email from her. And wrote another one back. I wouldn't call us BFF, but I think we're well on our way to making my son's life much more peaceful and much less dramatic, which is the ultimate goal. I really can't even begin to describe to you what a huge step this is. Admittedly, all of our emails started with some flavor of "I know this is a really strange situation, but..." but all in all it has been a very positive experience.

OS and I joined a gym together.... a family membership....with a contract. Yikes. This means two things.....

A. We're in this together

and

2. I have to go to the gym.

Both are incredibly good things in my life...and both tend to scare the shit out of me. Gyms in general just intimidate me. I feel like I walk in with a giant neon arrow pointing at my head that says, "DOES NOT BELONG, DOES NOT BELONG....SHUUUUUNNNNN THE CHUNKY GIRL...SHUUUNNNN." It's not a good feeling.

But I will do it. I will put forth the effort. I will commit. I will do what I have to do to get the results that I long for.

And in case you haven't caught on yet...being in love scares me. And I think it's safe to say that I am GOOD AND WELL IN LOVE. It's also safe to say that I am GOOD AND WELL SCARED SHITLESS. I've spent a lot of time in the last few days praying through a kind of fear that I haven't experienced in a very long time....the fear of an ending that I just don't ever want to come. Love scares me, because once you've experienced a feeling like this....the thought of not having it anymore is a kind of unbearable that there are no words for. And I don't ever want to find myself in that place. And loving someone means putting yourself in the position for loss...it's scary....it's a thick, choking, kind of scary that is just almost overwhelming enough to make you not want to take that chance....

But I will do it. I will put forth the effort. I will commit. I will do what I have to do to get the results that I long for.

Once this kind of love has hit your lips, there is really no other choice but to put one foot in front of the other...

in the same direction as him.

Goodbye and Hello

I feel like I start a lot of blogs out this way, but this week has been weird.



First of all, I'm having cramps. Like SERIOUS, curl up in the fetal position, beg for Jesus to have mercy on your uterus kind of cramps. I haven't EVER had cramps like this. And while I'm thankful to have a working uterus...it still kind of sucks. Just sayin'.



Second, my mom had to put her dog to sleep. I blogged about him a while back...here. We've seen it coming for a while now, so it wasn't a gut wrenching surprise. On Monday, I stopped by my parents' house while they were out. I had OS and E with me, and we were using their house for a quick pit stop on our Memorial Day Extravaganza. (Extravaganza meaning we drove around aimlessly and ate ice cream at Sonic.) While we were there, Bo threw up A LOT....like a huge ass pile of vomit. OS quickly took E outside, and I stood there over the pile of dog puke. To be perfectly honest, I debated for a good 2 or 3 minutes about how bad of a daughter I would be if I just left the pile of vomit and acted like I had never been there. Would that make me a horrible human being? I decided that yes, it would actually make me one level below the white foam that collects in the corners of people's mouths when they need to stop talking and take a drink of water. So I grabbed some carpet cleaner and paper towels and made a "good daughter" attempt at cleaning up the vomit. If I had known that it would be Bo's last full day on earth, I might have said sweet things to him while I cleaned up the chunks instead of the gagging and "Eww, Bo! Seriously!" dialogue that actually occurred. Live and learn...live and learn.

Anyway, like I mentioned before, Bo and I weren't super close, so I'm ok with his passing. However, it does make me immensely sad for my mom, because WOW...she LOVED that dog. And it does make me incredibly sad to think of the moment that E goes looking for his furry friend and is left to wonder why his bed is no longer there....his water dish is no longer there...his friend is no longer there. And I just don't know how to make him understand. Obviously, if I was good at explaining difficult to understand concepts to my toddler, he would be pooping in the potty instead of in his pants. BUT...I suck at explaining things to my toddler....and therefore, I find myself still changing dirty diapers and at a complete loss for how to explain doggy death.

AND....

HELLO COMMUNICATION.

On Mother's Day I did something that I thought was very brave and mature of me. Get your "Pat Sara on the back" hand ready...because you're just gonna want to pat me after I tell you this. I reached out to "her." The Other Woman. The Woman Who is Living With My Ex Husband. The Woman Who was "THERE" Long Before She Should Have Been...and Stayed Long After I Left. The Woman Who Is Living My Old Life...with My Old Husband....In My Old House." You know....That Woman.

And that's kind of a long name for her....so I'll blogger name her "Sasha"....mainly because that's what E calls her, because he couldn't say her name the right way when he was younger...and now that's what everyone calls her, including me.

I'll admit that over the past year and a half I've had mixed emotions for Sasha. Who wouldn't? But, contrary to what she's actually thought, she's not my least favorite person in the world. Over time, I've grown past the past, and I've ended up with a large amount of respect for this young woman who loves my son like he's her own. She's good to him. She treats him like he is a treasured part of her life. She genuinely cares about him....and for that, I will respect her. For that, I will appreciate her. For that, I am blessed.

And I felt compelled to make sure she was aware that I have no bitter blood. No ill will. No desire to be on different teams or for that matter, playing different games. I just wanted her to know that "I know." So on Mother's Day, I sent her a card...yet another card buying experience in my life that showcases the shortcomings of Hallmark. But I found a card that wasn't too cheesy....too lovey dovey....too much. And I wrote a short message that started with "Thank you" and ended with "Happy Mother's Day!"

A year ago, this would have been a futile attempt to take the high road. This year....it wasn't so much about taking the high road....it was more about taking a new road....a road where the past doesn't have to matter anymore...and the future....our future....mine and Sasha's... begins to intertwine in a place of acceptance....not because I want it to....not because she wants it to....but because our little boy has a right to love his mommy....and his Sasha. And because I will do whatever I can to protect the love in his heart....regardless of where it's directed.

For a couple of weeks I heard nothing from Sasha. I wasn't even really sure what she thought of my attempt at bridging this gap between us. But tonight, I feel like a new leaf is turning over. I got a text from her asking for my email address...with a smiley face on the end of it.

I don't expect us to be best friends. I'm not even sure I would want that. But I've got to say, I'm very excited about the thought of communication between us. It's a weird place to be....and a weird person to be there with....but in the words of the only Gary Allen song I've ever liked....

I'll take today, over yesterday...any day.

Goodbye, Bo. Hello, Sasha.

And it's official....

I'm swooning. (See comments on my previous post.)

Is it possible that something like this can really be happening to me? ME? ME???? The girl who for the past 18 months has been trying for love and misfiring

every. single. time?

I guess everyone gets it right every now and then!

And by the way...OS read EVERY SINGLE BLOG POST THAT I'VE WRITTEN TO DATE. He read about all of the other guys....he read about that week where I was just absolutely insane...he read about that time that I found myself on the toilet in need of a tampon and couldn't find one because E had absconded with them. He read it all.

And he stayed put.

So if this is a dream, then drug me up right nice and say "goodnight," because I gotta say...I'm good to go.

Happiness

My computer is still acting funny, and I haven't yet enlisted the help of the professionals to figure out what's wrong with it. So I made Old School bring his computer to the house so I could blog about him. : )

I'm happy. Genuinely, calmly, happy. There's excitement, but it's not the same chaotic excitement that I have experienced in the past that meant a dangerous explosion was forthcoming. It's a kind of excitement that seems to fit nicely within the healthy boundaries of my life without making me act like I am....



A. 14



or



B. Crazy.



My relationship with OS is growing and developing, and regardless of the fact that it's only been a short time since he made his reappearance into my life, his presence in my life seems to

fit perfectly.

And Lord help us all....I LOVE IT.

Do you know that part in the movie "When Harry Met Sally" where Harry tells Sally at the New Year's Eve party that once you find the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible? Remember that part? I do. And for the past couple of weeks, Billy Crystal's voice has been playing over and over in my mind, and for the first time ever, I actually like hearing him talk. I get it. I understand what he's talking about. (Here's the part where my parents melt into panic puddles on the floor. I can just see it...)

Trust me when I tell you that I understand the part that logic plays in loving someone. I have been burned before by not incorporating that into my relationships. But since my divorce, the only thing I've really been able to find is logic. Everyone was a "good choice." But it always felt so wrong...like something was missing.

This new relationship in my life has shown me that I haven't lost my capability to love someone, as I was beginning to fear might be true. I was afraid I was too jaded....too broken....too defective.

I'm not.

And while I'm reveling in the fact that this experience is driven by emotion more than anything I've experienced in a VERY long time, I'm trying very hard to keep a level head and make sure that this relationship makes sense. It seems to. It feels right. And I like the direction that it seems to be headed. In all honesty, I'm actually resisting the urge to give in to emotional whims that I never even knew existed.

But I'm still scared. Why is it that love arrives with fear in the passenger seat? What makes the vulnerability of loving someone such an intimidating place to reside? Half of me is ready to jump off the deep end into the depths of a relationship that has made me no promises, no plans...no safety or security to rely on....just a bunch of feelings that I didn't believe I could have again, and a longing for a life that, at this point, I can almost taste. The other half of me is being....logical. It's only been two weeks. And when I say the things out loud that I'm feeling and thinking...I can't really blame people for looking at me like I'm crazy....like I'm losing it....like I have toilet paper on the bottom of my shoe. I can't blame them...but I want to jump anyway.

I have come to a fork in the road...two paths that could make or break my attempt at loving again. One foot rests on rational. One foot rests on reckless abandon. Two very different paths that will undoubtedly provide two very different outcomes. I want both...and I want neither.

Because somewhere along the way, I've learned that it's the small plot of land between the two where love resides...where love makes sense....where love grows steadily.......

where love becomes worth the risk.

And as luck would have it, these days, I'm a risk taker.

Technical Difficulties

Just FYI....my computer is giving me fits again.

And yes, my wireless card is pushed ALL THE WAY IN.

It may have something to do with E standing on it....or possibly because it went clattering to the floor the other day.

Stay tuned.

Just. Don't. Understand.

This week, a friend of mine from high school took his own life.

Before you feel sorry for me, I should let you know that I hadn't spoken to this person in probably 10 years. We stopped being friends when he graduated high school, and we really weren't close enough to keep in touch after that. So this really isn't a "whoa is me" kind of post.

This friend, however, was someone that I was in the same circle with in school. He was older than me, but he dated my best friend for a good while, and therefore I spent a fair amount of time with him. We were all in band together, and while this wasn't necessarily the coolest place to be in high school, it created a circle of friends that, through thick and thin, seem to remain bonded regardless of time or distance. I mean, seriously, once you've changed clothes on a charter bus in the middle of the night at a truck stop in Georgia with your entire circle of friends also in various stages of disrobe....you're lifers. I would bet my right pinkie toenail that there's not a single person that went through that particular program that doesn't have a hodge podge of stories that start with the phrase "We were on the band bus..."

It wasn't the cool crowd....but it was more fun being on the inside than any of the outsiders would EVER have known. And even with all of the drama that found its way into our little community, everyone managed to retain a form of kinship to their fellow band geeks that never seems to go away.

And when something happens to a member of the group, the band geeks seem to come out of the woodwork. This week, one of our own found himself in a position that he determined to be the end of his rope, and without warning, without explanation, without thought for how much those he was leaving behind would hurt, he ended things.

And I Just Don't Understand.

Tell me....how can someone hang out with his group of friends on Monday night....not show a single sign of the thoughts he's having...and the next day pull the trigger on his life? How does something like that happen?

I understand loneliness. I understand fear. I understand "I just don't want to do this anymore!"

I even understand the thought of "what if."

What I don't understand is actually going so far as to find out.

God, I just don't understand....praying I never do.

(Please take a moment to lift up Jennifer, Mindy, and Billy as they don't understand either...and they are deeply impacted by the loss of their band geek...their friend....their lifer.)

Status

This probably seems fairly minute to you, although to me it was a massive milestone. My facebook status changed from "single" to "in a relationship." (And yes, typing a sentence like that makes you feel like you're about 14.) I get that this is fast. But there really aren't words to adequately explain the "thing" that is happening in my life at the moment. Old School came back into my world

completely out of nowhere.

You have to understand...I've spent the last 18 months of my life desperately wanting to believe that Ex wasn't the greatest love story I would ever experience. I mean, really...THAT'S what I get to look back on as the "love of my life?" Are you freaking kidding me? It just seemed like such a waste! That's not to say that I didn't love Ex with my whole heart. I did! But when things ended the way they did, it just seemed like a waste of a really good story. Since the divorce, I've dated A LOT...and all of the guys were perfectly nice, and most of them were even perfectly normal. But none of them were perfectly RIGHT. There was never a time when I felt compelled to completely take myself "off the market" for fear that as soon as I did, the RIGHT GUY would come along.

So I never completely took myself "off the market."

And low and behold, the RIGHT GUY came along. I realize that's a bold statement. I realize that it's only been a week. But the truth is that it's been 20 years....and Old School is as much my FRIEND now as he was when we were 8. Except now, there's kissing involved. : )

REALLY. GOOD. KISSING

So yesterday when he asked me a question that I first heard from his lips 20 years ago under the elementary school playground slide, "Will you be my girlfriend?" there was no hesitation. There was no fear. There was no reason to cash in the moment on the logic of "it's only been a week." As we have talked about our lives and pasts over these few days, the only thing that makes sense in all of it is that God was at work in all of the brokenness to bring us to this place. Neither of us have had it easy over the past few years. Neither of us understood the why's and how's, but no sooner had we downed a cup of coffee and a green tea...it made sense.

Is it too soon to call Forever? Maybe. Is it too soon to call it for real? Not even close. For the first time since my divorce, ever part of me is IN, and there is absolutely no fear.

And damn, that's a good feeling.

Beware

Soul Sister and I are on phase 1 of the South Beach Diet. This means that for the last two days I have eaten nothing but protein and veggies.

The good news is that I have lost 4 lbs since I started eating healthy a couple of weeks ago...so this diet thing seems to be working. Also good news....it's easier to diet when you are constantly texting your teammate to dialogue about what the other one is ingesting.

The bad news is that I might actually murder someone in the next 24 hours for a piece of chocolate. No kidding....would actually use my dinner fork, and with little bits of tuna still clinging to the end of its prongs, I would be perfectly willing to impale whoever happens to be closest to me at the moment to get an M&M or a chocolate covered almond....just one. JUST. ONE.

Old School, who has recently set up residence on one end of my couch, may want to relocate to the safety of the far end of the living room until this little urge passes.

Just sayin'.

How Rednecks say I Do

A few weeks back I received an invitation to a wedding. Normally, when one receives a wedding invitation an elaborate event is expected. But this time, I knew things would be different. This was the wedding of a man and woman in their 50's....the same man and woman home repair team that I met shortly after buying my "new" old house. For the last 9 years, they have worked side by side, repairing toilets, laying tile, fixing electrical mishaps, and painting ceilings....and in the last year they have done all of the aforementioned repairs in my humble home.

This couple is absolutely precious to me. They were the first people that I met after setting out "on my own" after the divorce. They immediately became "my people," and while they worked on the vast number of repairs needed in my home, I cooked them dinner and bought them beer. I fell in love with them almost instantly....but they fell in love with each other many years earlier. As I observed them in my home, I witnessed a kind of love that is rare in our society. They weren't just lovers. They weren't just co-workers. They were best friends....and it never mattered if they were painting a wall or repairing a toilet...they did it with laughter. Their love and respect was obvious at every turn of the wrench, and many times over the last few months I have listened to them love each other with their laughter....with a "baby, can you hand me that hammer" kind of respect. And instantly, I wanted what they had.

Today, they got married. It had been a long time coming...something that they both just kept putting in the corner, because they knew they'd be together forever, so what difference did a piece of paper make? But at the urging of their families, and with the realization that they wanted to be as "together" as they possibly could, they printed up wedding invitations and their love landed in my mailbox, complete with an RSVP card.

B and D are rough. They are beer drinking, paint smeared, simple life kind of people. No frills. No airs. No extras. They are just them....and both separately and together they are perfectly imperfect. Knowing this about them led me to the conclusion that their outdoor wedding would be "interesting." And it was.

Today, with Old School (the elementary school boyfriend from the past) by my side, I found myself in their back yard. Chairs were set up. Beer was iced down. And every detail of the wedding was about as redneck as could be. The "gift table" was the cover on the hot tub. The "music" was a local country station blaring from their large red and black Budweiser radio. And the guests were scattered about, popping the tops on their Bud lights and bumming cigarettes from each other. They milled about until a lady in a leopard print top hollered that "the bride is a comin and ya'll need to stand up!"

Then a guy with a guitar began to play, and the wedding party marched down the aisle, complete with a "I DON'T WANNA" courtesy of the flower girl. The bride and groom stood side by side, the air filled with the aroma of beer and cigarette smoke, and for a moment I was distracted from the event by the overwhelming backwoods simplicity of it all.

Then I caught them smiling at one another, and I realized that that is what love is all about. It's not about putting on airs, creating an atmosphere, or making a show. B and D get it. They know that love is surprisingly simple. It's smiling and laughing over toilets. It's prefacing a favor with "baby." And apparently, it's walking down the aisle in a white ruffled dress through a cloud of cigarette smoke towards the one person that desperately wants to be your teammate for every minute that he has left in life.

I've learned a lot from these precious newlyweds. They have taught me how to caulk a tub....repair a toilet....change an electrical outlet....identify the source of a plumbing leak....

and perhaps most importantly that love isn't so much about the party...

it's about showing up laughing.