Ok...maybe that's a little dramatic, but you get the picture. I'm tired, and right now I'm just waiting for God to make the next move. It's the end of the poker game, and I'm all in.
I used to think I had this Christianity thing figured out. I mean, I know all the hoops to jump through. I know all the right things to say. I have the WWJD bracelet. I can recite the Bible verses. And when the opportunity presents itself, I can share the gospel with a lost soul in a clear and concise manner...with charts and drawings if necessary.
I know the drill.
But it's becoming abundantly more clear to me that that really isn't what God is so concerned about. He doesn't really need me to know the drill. He needs me to know HIM. And I'm breaking down in tears as I type this, because right now, I feel like I am falling miserably short of knowing the One Who Knows Me. And I really loathe that about me right now.
I've been coming to terms with the fact that when it comes to God, I have a distorted view of His character. It's hard for me to see Him as someone who wants good things for me. It's so much easier for me to see Him as the disciplinarian...The One Who Will Dish Out the Consequences...The One Who Will Teach Me My Lessons....The One Who Will Show Me Who's Boss.
I've been meditating on Jeremiah 29:11. This is one of those verses that if you've been a Christian for more than 5 minutes, you've probably heard it 10 times. "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I have no problem with the first part of that passage. I'm completely on board with the fact that God KNOWS. IT. ALL. You will never catch me disputing that one. I have no doubt in my mind that God absolutely, without a doubt, knows the plans He has for me. The trouble comes when I realize that I, too, know the plans I have for me. And as much as I'd like to say they are one and the same....
I'm realizing that I'm not so much always smelling what God's stepping in.
Therein lies the problem.
I realize the need to surrender completely, and let His plans be My plans. But.....BUT......(and yes, I realize that there really shouldn't be a but.....BUT...)
I, for some reason that I can't fully grasp quite yet, don't trust the latter half of Jeremiah 29:11. I have a really hard time fully investing in the fact that God's plan is to prosper me. I don't know what is holding me back, and as much as I'd love to believe it with my entire soul, I have a hard time finding peace that God wants to give me hope and a future. Isn't that sad? Isn't it sad that after everything God has been faithful to pull me out of, that in the midst of my pain and uncertainty that I would doubt that his plan will bring me blessings? Yes...sad.
Do I doubt Him? No. Do I doubt His presence? Not for a second. It's just that in times like this, with my vulnerabilities exposed and nothing to cling to but Him, I realize that there is a feeling of fear where I really wish there was a feeling of peace.
I KNOW that GOD knows the plans He has for me. But I FEEL afraid that His plans will lead to pain instead of blessing. And when that is the case, how do you slough off the FEELINGS, and rest completely in what you KNOW?
I have found myself praying fervently for the intercession of the Holy Spirit on this one. "Lord, I don't FEEL confident that you want to bless me. But I KNOW better. And I just don't know how to pray it "the right way." So, Holy Spirit, do it for me, cuz I got nothing. Let what I KNOW be enough. Let my knowledge increase, let my feelings decrease, and let my spirit be at peace.
Lord....you know the plans you have for me....and I KNOW that should be enough...so I'm asking in the most real way I possibly can....
Lord, let me smell what you're stepping in. Amen."