At any rate, as I read back over my writing during the past several days, it has become screechingly obvious that I am in a deep dish FUNK. I'm not entirely sure what brought this on. Maybe it's because relationships confuse me. Maybe it's because work has been stressful. Maybe it's because the weather won't make up it's freaking mind already. Maybe it's a combination of all of the aforementioned issues. Or maybe....quite possibly...it's because it's "Week 3" of the "Birth Control Pill of Sheer Insanity" and I always tend to loosen my grip on reality a little during "Week 3." What's that? Switch pills, you say? Well....I'm working on that one. But my Gyno has, for some unfathomable reason, become wildly popular as of late...thus earning him a place on the "List of Men I Can't Seem to Get A Date With." I'd go off the pill altogether...but when I do that I have periods every 18 days....and that also tends to make me cranky. More information than you wanted, I'm sure. But by now you know that I don't hold much to be sacred.
SO....I decided to have a moment with God this morning and really just lay it all out there on the proverbial table. It sounded like this, "God...I know you want me to move over and let you do your thing. But honestly, God...I'm scared that if I actually ask you what YOU want for my life....you'll make me have a life that I really don't want to have. Do with that what you will...just being honest."
In this honesty with God I realized that I trust God to teach me lessons and give me direction, but I expect Him to do it in a way that will be painful and unfulfilling. And WOW....way to shortchange the Lord there Sara! Why do I see God as someone who has a goal of "putting me in my place" and "making me sing for my supper?" This isn't the God who sent His Son to die for me! This isn't the God who saw me in my icky, dirty, stinky, stanky sin and decided to love me anyway! This isn't the God who met me on the living room floor when my life fell to sheer hell around me and said, "you are not alone." And if I KNOW this....
...then why am in such a deep dish funk?
I think it's time for me to embrace the whole Grace Gets Greater concept and remember that I serve a LOVING God...a God who knows my desires and wants to see them fulfilled. Does this mean that every dream I have for my life will come true? No. But I'm pretty sure that it does mean that God has the power to mold my dreams to fit his plan....if I will move aside and let him.
So here it goes...
"God...Your plan for my life looks different from mine. I'm scared to let go of my dreams...because I'm still afraid that you will not honor them. But I trust that you know what you're doing. So if my dreams are not in line with yours, please begin to change them and fill me with new ones. I pray that I might be made more pliable...so that my wants stand no chance of getting in the way of your will. I trust you to do something better with my life than I ever could.
And Dear Lord....please send me birth control that doesn't make me feel like a crazy person. Amen"
There. Funk finished.