FAIR WARNING: I wrote this because I can't afford therapy and blogging is free. I will probably get more out of it than you will...so when you get done reading this and are all like, "Good Lord, she needs therapy!" don't say I didn't warn you. I'm pretty sure this blog will appear insane to a whole lot of people...try not to send the man with the key to the padded room too quickly. I'm just sorting through thoughts.
Something happened last night that has me doing a lot of...thinking.
(Everyone duck and cover, this could be dangerous!)
So The Medic has been working a lot lately. They changed his shift so that he really only had one day off last week...and because he has to be at the fire hall super early, (and apparently he can't function on less than 10 hours of sleep a night) he stayed home on his night off and was in bed by 8:30. I know this, because at 8:30 I got a text that said, "I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams!" So I haven't seen him all week.
Then, last night he told me that when he wakes up on Wednesday, which starts his time off this week, he's going to Gatlinburg with one of his best friends. This means that I won't see him until next week. He's really excited about having a vacation, and he really does need it. So I'm glad that he gets to go....
....but it brought out a whole mess of crap that I need to deal with.
(Now, let's be clear. The Medic and I are not a couple. We are just dating and having a good time. I really like him as a person, and I enjoy our time together. And based on what he's said, he feels the same way. But we've been very intentional, due to our respective pasts, about the whole "proceed with caution" thing, and as of right now, that's all it is. I go back and forth between being very settled into the calmness of this scenario and being annoyed in an inexplicable fashion at his ability to do something with his time other than fall madly in love with me...but that's probably another therapy blog for another day!)
ANYWAY... for SOME reason, it annoyed me beyond belief that he is planning to take off on vacation with nary a second thought about me. I realized pretty quickly in the midst of this text conversation that this was definitely a "Sara is screwed up" issue and not a "The Medic is uncaring and insensitive" issue.
And let's all just go ahead right now and pat me on the back for realizing THAT ONE prior to saying something catty that would only serve as a GINORMOUS neon arrow pointing in my direction blinking "SHE'S A LOONY TOON, RUN AWAY...RUN AWAY!"
Kudos to me for being self aware. Ku-Dos.
I managed to have the entire vacation conversation without letting on that I was in the midst of dodging a bunch of 20-year old insecurities that were being hurled at me from the "Perpetual Machine Gun of Insanity." In the middle of telling him that I'm glad he'll get a break and I know he really needs it, I realized that I just really wanted to feel like I was important to someone. It felt like he was (get a load of THIS) putting himself before me...and that just annoyed me to no end! But the truth is that he SHOULD be putting himself before me...because that's NORMAL. What's NOT NORMAL....is...well...ME!
So I went to bed last night (and woke up this morning) thinking about why I felt such a burning need for someone (a man) to place such importance on me. It obviously goes back to my childhood, so now I'm spending time with my "inner child", trying to figure out how to work through this issue of "mattering to people." As an adult, I realize that I have value...but Little Sara is still struggling with feeling important and valuable. I realize that I need to get to a point where my self worth isn't reliant on a man telling me that I matter or acting like I am his top priority. The truth is that the only person's top priority that I can be is my own.
The thing about therapizing myself is that I am getting pretty good at getting to the root issue of stuff. But I'm still horrible at actually knowing how to go about fixing it. I haven't learned how to work through these things...and I haven't taken any of the grad classes yet that would assist me in doing this either. My initial desire is to look "Little Sara" in the face, shove a sucker in her mouth, and tell her to grow up and get over it! But I'm guessing that won't really solve the problem! So this morning....crazy as it sounds...I had a talk with her in the car on the way to work. I'm sure the guy in the car next to me at the stop light thought I was losing my mind...and based on everything that I've poured out here...you probably think so too....but this is how that conversation went...
Me: "Why does it feel so necessary for a man to think you're important?"
Mini Me: "Because they never have. Every man in my life who was supposed to be able to be counted on to make me feel important has acted like I'm not. And that hurts, damn it!"
Me: "Little girls shouldn't cuss."
Mini Me: "Sorry"
Me: "It's ok...just don't let it happen again. Do you realize that it's ok to be sad that these men acted in a way that was hurtful? But you don't have to let their actions have the power to control you anymore?"
Mini Me: "How do I do that?"
Me: "Well...I don't know...I'm just you 20 years older and talking to myself at a stop light. But I think you allow yourself a moment to say 'it's ok that I hurt, but I can decide that the hurt stops here.' You can choose to say that their actions were THEIR decision. And your actions get to be YOUR decision. You have the power to set a boundary for what their actions can do to you. But you have to be willing to do it."
Mini Me: "Sometimes it's easier to hurt."
Me: "It seems easier at first, because that's what you know how to do well. I'm pretty sure that cutting the hurt off at the pass and saying 'this is old stuff. It can't hurt me unless I let it' will be easier then just hurting and having all the feelings that come with it."
Mini Me: "But it's ok that I hurt?"
Me: "It's ok that you hurt. But just know that 20 years from now when you find yourself sitting at a stop light and talking to your inner child...I'm not going to let you hurt anymore. I've got your back. You matter, because I choose for you to matter."
Mini Me: "Ok. Then I'm going to trust you...because you have my back. Go...the light's green."
I realize that it's a little insane to talk to your inner child at a stop light. But I'm realizing more and more that my hurts and issues of the past can really cripple my future if I don't deal with them. I feel blessed that God has offered me an opportunity for a second chance at life with the possibility for a second chance at love. I'll be damned if I let my issues muck that one up! And if that means sitting Mini Me down for a "Red Light Chat" then BY GOD I will risk looking insane at every intersection in town.
I realize that everyone has issues...but sometimes I feel like I must be slightly more afflicted than others...
Yet another reason I'm thankful the
Grace Gets Greater.