Friday, March 6, 2009

What Goes Up...

Well, last night I was on cloud nine. The Ex was saying nice things, and people were telling me I was pretty. What more could a girl want?

I guess Satan saw an opportunity…because now I’m just plain old cranky.

You know…just three nights ago I was sitting on my garage floor picking out some pole dancing songs. I, for the first time, was genuinely thankful to be single. My house was picked up. My laundry was caught up. I was playing around at my leisure. E was with his dad, so I didn’t have to worry about making sure someone was fed or bathed. I don’t have to consult anyone on how I spend my money or if I decide to pursue a new career or hobby. My life is mine to do with as I please. And currently, I even have a cute boy who I get to cuddle on the couch with a few times a week….and a lot of married people don’t even get to do that! In that moment, I was really enjoying my life. The keyword for the moment was FREEDOM.

But today, Satan has been working overtime on paralyzing my spirit. Work is driving me INSANE. The economy has had a very obvious effect (affect??? I never know on that one…) on our numbers, and it’s getting harder and harder to keep our heads afloat. The management is cracking down and having “rah rah” sessions about “Get Angry and Sell” and “Don’t Take No for an Answer!” While I realize the importance of persistence in sales, today….I’m TIRED. To top it all off, I pretty much live in fear of coming into work one day and finding out that I no longer have a job. Things are just a little….unsteady.

This combination of fear and fatigue sends me into a very bitter cycle that ultimately ends with me looking God square in the face, and with all of the vim and vigor of a two year old, whining, “IT’S NOT FAIR!” It’s pretty ironic that I do this, because the very freedom that I was so thankful for just a couple of days ago is the same thing that annoys me beyond belief when I’m tired. When I’m tired and cranky like this I want someone else to lean on, someone else to take the heat, someone else to pay the bills, and someone else to say “you’re not alone.”

THIS, in turn, sends me into a tailspin of self-pity that unfailingly ends with me in a crying, snotty heap mumbling, “Whhhyyyy do other people’s dreams come true and mine get crapped on?” And since NO ONE really wants to be the shoulder that THAT is crying on…I’m blogging about it instead. (Consider yourself officially snotted on.)

The thing is, I know that Satan tries to get me when I’m tired, because that’s when I don’t think clearly enough to call on the power of the Holy Spirit to kick his sorry ass. And I actually do realize that everyone has problems in life that they wish were different. Everyone has dreams that haven’t quite come true. Everyone, at some point, probably looks at someone else and thinks, “Seriously? Great hair, adoring husband, money to blow, AND perfect boobs??? SO. NOT. FAIR!”

But the truth of the matter is, that at the end of the day, I really do have faith that God knows what He’s doing. And when my life doesn’t quite measure up to the picture that I had in my head, there IS a part of me that realizes that it’s because God’s picture is better.

There is nothing like a good book to put me fast asleep, and I’m learning slowly but surely, that just because the story hasn’t played itself out yet, doesn’t mean that’s it’s not going to be worth reading. Lucky for this cranky girl with a tired spirit…

…I know an Author that writes one hell of a page-turner.


Superman said...

Before I fly away, let me leave you one last thing to remember:

I used to be 'that guy who sat on the couch'. I remember listening to how terrible life was treating you sometimes. You were worried about your career, your finances, and anything else you had little control over.

It's funny, because when you talked about how weak you were sometimes, the only thing I could think was how I wish I had a tenth of your strength.

NEVER...EVER...feel that God has put more on your plate than you can handle. You have come through so much, and still came out beautifully...and beautiful.

And with that, I'm gone. Thanks for everything, legs.

Jen said...

Wow, at first I thought you were describing me. I have great hair and an adoring husband. Although, not so much on the money to blow, and perfect boobs? I'm pretty sure that's a scientific impossibility if you've ever breast fed.

Just kidding. I love you and I can't wait to see you!

Jaycee said...

I don't remember how I first happened upon your blog, but I've been reading it regularly for a few weeks. Sometimes I think we are kindred spirits! Although I am married, I didn't get married until I was 33. Some of the things you say about being single are so familiar! You are a great writer and I particularly liked this blog entry! Keep it up!