So I was all prepared to blog about the things I felt the need to confess this week...like the fact that I ate a huge plate of fried rice when the gang at work took me out for a goodbye lunch at the new hibachi place in town....or the fact that Soul Sister came over the other night and I totally crunched up tortilla chips and put them in my soup...which I then washed down with a strawberry daiquiri....you know...stuff like that.
I had intentions of having an awesome Fatty Friday though. I was going to take E strolling with Lora from Take Me The Way I Am. We've been trying to plan an outing for a while now...and yesterday was to be the day. We've never met in person, and the HM wanted to know if I asked her 10 times if she was a psycho freak like I did him before we met the first time. I indignantly replied that no...she could not be a psycho freak because HELLO....SHE'S A BLOGGER! DUH!
Anyway, I was getting ready to walk out the door, and I was already going to be running behind. I had put the stroller in the car. I had put E's shoes on him. I had my walking shorts on and my hair pulled back. Sunglasses? Check! Juice box and snack for E? Check! I was READY TO GO!
"I onna take see-saurs!" (Which translates to 'dinosaurs' for all you who don't speak toddler.) So I replied in true mommy fashion, "You can take ONE. Pick one and let's go!"
"I onna take ALL my see-saurs!" At this point I really wasn't sure how much energy I had to fight this particular battle. I mean, really...what's the big deal about taking ALL of the dinosaurs? Do I REALLY want to turn this into a lesson in discipline? Do I want to try to explain why all 6 dinosaurs aren't necessary? Do I want to watch E's bottom lip pop out of his face like a God-given reflex? No...I didn't.
"Ok...get ALL the dinosaurs." So we gathered them up...dropping them and picking them up again a few times toward the door.
"Take E." (This is E's new command, accompanied by raised arms that means, Carry me Please!) So I picked him up, and dropped a stegosaurus in the process. Upon seeing the fallen "see-saur" E hollered right in my ear. It was like a shrill little warning, and a meltdown was forthcoming. I could just tell.
So with my overnight bag and my purse on my shoulder, E in my other arm, and 5 dinosaurs dangling from my fingers, I bent down to pick up the rebel stegosaurus.
I walked outside, shut the door behind me, and headed toward the car. And as soon as I opened the car door I went cold....my keys were still in my house....locked....no spare key.....um yeah....crap.
BUT NO ONE WORRY. DON'T PANIC. WE HAVE ALL OF THE DINOSAURS!
At this point we begin wandering around the house looking for the easiest way to break in, E trailing behind me with all 6 dinosaurs in tow. My house, surprisingly enough, is extremely difficult to break into! The credit card thing just doesn't work...doesn't even pretend to work. And I...like a big overly cautious idiot....locked all of my windows.
So I call a locksmith, and then leave a message for Lora that I have encountered a slight problem. "But don't worry," I said to her voicemail, "we have ALL of the dinosaurs."
The locksmith shows up. His name is Danny, and the license plate donning the front of his van says, "Jesus Loves You."
So the Christian locksmith spends the next hour fiddling with the lock to my front door. I eventually text Lora and suggest we reschedule, due to my inability to be prepared with a spare key and the Christian Locksmith's inability to pick my front door lock. After a while, he suggests we try the back door. So he gathers up his tools, and E and I gather up ALL OF THE DINOSAURS and head to the back of the house. He begins picking the lock and after about 15 minutes, the back door pops open....
....and there....gleaming in the bright, glorious sunlight....is my stripper pole.
Without missing a beat, the Christian Locksmith says, "Well....that's just not something you see everyday!" and he packed up his stuff and headed back to his Jesus van.
So I really have nothing to report on this edition of Fatty Friday...except this little pearl of wisdom....
....if you're going to lock yourself out of your house....there are two important things you should remember.....
1. Take down your stripper pole.
2. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ALL OF THE DINOSAURS.
I mean really...it's just good sense.
Happy Fatty Friday! (a day late!)
5 comments:
Omigosh! Thihs is hilarious! I'm sure it wasn't to you while you were locked our of your house and missing your opportunity to meet Lora, but thank God you had all 6 dinosaurs!!!!
Just another day in your wonderful life. I love it!
It should be added that I never even questioned the "we have all the dinosaurs" statement. No explanation needed.
I wish you could have seen how hard I laughed at this post, by the way. The dog AND cat were looking at me like I was nuts. First time they've been on the same page since Moxie came to visit :0)
Hilarious!!!
Oh what a great post! I could totally relate to how you were feeling. Well of course except the stripper pole. Opening my back door, and letting the sunshine in only reveals a dirty floor and a huge dog! But the pole sound fun. And good for you to have fun with it. I hear it's an awesome workout!
Stopping by from SITS to give you a big welcome. Glad you joined us and look forward to seeing you around!
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