Online Dating Queen of the South

I am the unofficial online dating queen of the south.

This isn’t a title that I aspired to when I first found myself single again. I mean…online dating??? Really???

But here’s the lowdown on yours truly. I’m divorced. I’m a mom. I work 40 hours a week. I go to school all freakin’ day long on Saturdays. I don’t really like going out. I don’t have a “group” of friends…just random amazing people from various points in my life. I’m not yet plugged into a church…and don’t really want to go to church with the intent of dating anyway. I HATE bars and clubs. And honestly…when I do have time to do something that isn’t related to work, school, or mommying…I tend to do it quietly, either by myself, or with someone from my list of favorite people.

To sum up…I’m boring. And damn it….I’M FINE WITH THAT!

I have managed to stumble across a few men in real life during the last year or so that ended up turning into dates. There was The Bad Boy…who was a total waste of my time. There was “That guy who is a cousin of a friend of a friend of a friend…” (you get the picture.) Obviously he didn’t last long enough to even warrant me donning him with a kick ass blogger nickname. And then there was Mr. Right? the son of The Neighbor Lady…who, while a totally awesome man…ended up not being so “right” for me.

I admit that the social stigma of online dating had kind of gotten to me. I mean…isn’t that for losers….for people who sit in their parents’ basements and masturbate during reruns of Saved By the Bell? I probably would have maintained this theory….save for my Freakishly Amazing Sister.

The FAS is in a loving committed relationship…with someone she met online. He’s not a loser. He’s not a creep. He’s not after money. He’s not even a fan of Saved by the Bell.

So in an effort to get back on the proverbial horse, I booted up my computer and pasted my pretty picture online. Viola! Multiple date offers in a matter of minutes. Literally.

I’ll admit that there is a lot of crap to sift through…but that’s true of the 3 dimensional men too. Some of my “favorite” online dating responses include:

“Well aren’t you just the cutest thing ever? Why don’t you write me back and tell me what dream I can make come true for you tonight.”

“Yo, let’s hit it.”

“wat up?”

And then there was the guy who sent a VERY long email with a VERY detailed description of what our future sex life and dream home would be like. He even selected a paint color for our future kitchen…because I’d “need a pretty kitchen to cook in…naked.” (I promptly flagged his profile, threw up in my mouth a little bit, and set off to shower.)

But in the midst of the crap, there’s always someone worth a second glance. Super Man and The HM are products of my online dating experiences, and while I don’t necessarily see a future with them, they have both made my life unequivocally better…and their friendship alone is worth all the crappy loser-laden emails that I’ve deleted.

The thing about online dating is that you never really know what a person’s reaction is going to be when you blurt out, “I met him online.” Sometimes they smile approvingly and want to know more. Sometimes they seem surprised that you would go that route seeing as how “you could get any guy you wanted.” And sometimes…sometimes they crinkle up their nose like they just smelled a really fragrant fart. (Just one more thing to add to the list of "Life’s Crap Shoots.”)

The result of my crazy dating life since the divorce is that I’ve dated enough men to know what I want and what I’m looking for, whereas before, I was willing to settle for a lot less than I deserved. Thanks to the handful of men that I’ve gone to dinner with, whether they made their initial appearance in my life in 3D form or with an online profile, I’ve learned to separate the bad from the good…the non-dateable from the dateable….”the one for right now” from “the one.” And in the midst of the vulgar emails and stuck up noses of naysayers….for me that translates to

Success dot com.